This morning I returned to the elven dimension to collect Agent Mulder, who had remained after our last trip there. We met with important elven leaders who are planning an invasion of the human dimension with help from their new allies, the centaurs from the centaur dimension. It is something we are trying to deal with in a very haphazard manner.
Agent Mulder was still having elven feet shoved into his mouth while writhing around in ecstasy as their elven foot secretions filled his belly. I decided to leave him be for the moment and looked for important elven leaders to speak to about their upcoming invasion. I was approached by four elves wearing purple robes indicating they were part of an important elven sect.
Now, I don't know how much you know about elven sects, so I will give you some brief details. Elven sects follow an elven mystic. These elven mystics have great powers, but each one's powers are unique and limited to one specific function. Together, they comprise an unstoppable magic army that will be an important part of the elven invasion (which is forthcoming).
The elven sect members led me towards an ornate hut. Inside was Gadzooks, one of the most powerful elven mystics. She was magnificent.
"Come to me, Friend Behr of the human dimension," she said unto me.
When I stepped up to her, the elven dimension turned hazy and I had a vision of two kids arguing over breakfast cereal at a family table in the 1970s while proper fucking cartoons were shown on Saturday morning instead of CLAPTRAP. This vision was strange and unusual and it was meaningful in so many ways. The ways are so many that I cannot even begin to list them here, but they are there and that is a fact. At one point in the 1970s they had the idea of painting fire trucks yellow instead of red. No one remembers this but it happened. That is a fact. It didn't turn out well. People didn't see the fire trucks and cut them off at intersections and millions died. That is also a fact. You can look it up in the benchmark collection, The Anals of History which has 84 volumes and can only be ordered through a door-to-door salesman. Hard working people. Let us give them a hand.
The elven mystic Gadzooks then spoke to me again. She said I had purpose in her grand plan. I asked if this related to the elven invasion. She said unto me, "I see the larger picture, Friend Behr. It appears to me out of the ether."
This was enough information for me to make an informed, non-scientific decision. As you know, eliminating ALL science from our world is paramount to reaching a greater understanding of elven mysticism and of human existence. And that is a fact. I would obey Gadzooks as my divine mistress and be a pawn in her grand plan. It was the only sensible thing to do under the circumstances, and I am extremely sensible. I rip people's ill-advised piercings out of their body in ALL our malls, which are closing by the dozens because of the Internet and its subsidiaries. Enough said. This proof of my sensibilities cannot possibly be overstated. It is wholly accurate.
That said, we only exist because the elves allow us to exist. Their upcoming invasion of the human dimension is only happening because humans need lessons taught to them. There is too much liberty for the poor and lower classes. It must stop. The elves will see to that in their early attacks, which I am told will be merciless. Poor people buying hams in supermarkets WILL have those hams slapped right the fuck out of their hands by the elves. They will then be handed a pound of cheap hamburger meat in a frozen box and will be told, "Make do, asshole." This is how people need to be treated. The elves, through their intense mysticism will make it happen. Ibid. Take it to the bank. It is what is needed and what is right.
The drumbeats of war echoed through the elven dimension as elven warriors prepared for the upcoming invasion. It was coming soon. The elves were very serious and very serious elves can be problematic in so, so many ways.
An honor guard of centaurs was presenting themselves to Gadzooks, who blessed them with her sacred bowl and wished them godspeed as they provided the vanguard for the coming invasion. They would lead the charge. Their hatred of humans is so severe that they will surely show no mercy, not even to the wealthy and righteous, for they failed to corral and yoke their inferiors. For their failure they will die. It is only right. I will be spared as I brought the problems of the human dimension to the elves and offered to help them change humanity for the better. After many months of discussion it has become clear. An invasion is necessary. The humans grant far too many freedoms to their lower classes. It is sickening and out of control. The elves will have their say.
Gadzooks changed into a long purple gown and adorned herself with many jewels. She came out of her bathing closet a changed mystic. She was absolutely glowing with purpose. I wanted to mount her and make her mine, but her powers are too strong. She would easily annihilate me as she soon will all of your family and loved ones. She will bring humanity to heel.
"Do you hear the drumbeats of war?" asked Lyander, a pale-faced boy elf with an annoying face.
"I do," I told him (truthfully).
Lyander rushed off to do whatever work he was required to do before the invasion began. He looked inept, falling as he ran towards the armory, but I resisted the desire to run over to him and wring his neck until every ounce of life dripped out of his worthless husk of a body. I made a better choice.
That is one of the things we need to do better as people. We need to make better choices. At each moment we have a choice. Which one do we make? Ask yourself this question the next time you are naked in some sin bin. Frankly, I don't know what to make of your antics sometimes. Pull it together. Maybe you need to go into the woods with just your wits and a Bowie knife and learn to be a man.
Now, a Bowie knife and David Bowie are two different things. Neither was born with that name. Think about it. Begins to make sense now to you, doesn't it? See what a little clarity can do for you? Try clarity more often when you get stuck on a difficult thought. Can you imagine how much more sex you'd be getting if you lived in a glen? Think about that tonight at bedtime after you've had your little tea and your little night time boner boy snack. Yes, there you go. Bed down now and think about it you fucking pervert.
Gadzooks was now calling me into her chambers for further discussions. She said we needed to "stop dicking around," which seemed out of character for a mystic. She then moved like an angel in her long purple gown and made butterflies appear in front of my face. "Pretty," I said as I watched them flutter. "So pretty."
"Are you ready now to visit the apocalypse to your own people and end their sickening rule of the human dimension, which will soon be the elven dimension II?"
"I am. More than ever. All must die."
"They must. God bless you, Behr. Did you bring bedding?"
"I did not."
"A bedroll can be provided. I need to meet with my generals. The drumbeats of war are sounding."
"Excellent. War benefits everyone."
"That is incorrect, Friend Behr. Bed down for the evening. Get some rest."
"I will. Thank you for the hospitality."
"You are very welcome."
The bedroll ended up costing me $500 American money, which I did not feel was reasonable for one night's use of a bamboo mat. I resolved to write to customer support for the elven dimension about this matter. In the meantime, the drumbeats of war were sounding. The elves were going to war. The invasion of the human dimension was coming soon. I could feel it in my extremely badly damaged testicular assembly.
There was a break room of some kind with a VCR, a pile of movies on VHS tape, and a 1984 era television in it. I went in there while the elves prepared for war and put in a recording of Star Trek III: The Search for Spock that some twenty-year-old recorded off television in 1986, just prior to the fourth Star Trek movie being released. Now, I know most of you aren't familiar with Star Trek, but this was a program about people wearing pajamas in space. It was enriching and educational. You could learn a lot from the programs that were made about Star Trek. This is something for you to look into. Star Trek. There were a number of motion pictures and several television series made. You can find them at your aunt's house.
As I was finishing viewing the movie, replete with 1986 television commercials, and a voiceover saying "And now we return to Star Trek III: The Search for Spock on network television," two elves walked into the break room. They were wearing military armor and carrying lethal crossbows. They asked what I was doing in their break room and I struggled to come up with an excuse. I was taken outside by the two elven warriors, my pants were taken down, and a long spear was forced up my ass. Now, this did not have the intended impact on me. They did not know that I spent my youth having hairless (smooth shaved) animals shoved right up my ass by the man posing as my father and that I have escaped the fires of Hades. They thought I was a junior league human. Instead, they found a god.
I offered them peace in the form of pudding cups, replete with pudding inside of the plastic cups (I bought them at the market). They had spoons, which I had forgotten, and we laughed and told stories and put our conflict in the past. Then, as we were getting to be lip-to-lip on the forest floor, Gadzooks appeared above us with her mighty staff.
"What is this nonsense?" she screeched. "You serve ME!" With that, the two soldiers were swept aside as if by a massive wave. Gadzooks took me in her arms and began to cuddle me. The warmth of her bosom was comparable to other sources of warmth I had experienced in the past, real and imagined. It was a two level sort of experience like that. I'm sure you've been there. This emotion is common, like bananas in a poor peoples' food market. We don't need bananas in the rich people's supermarket. We have candy.
Most of my balls had fallen out of my extremely thin material pants and I was needing some time to recover after Gadzooks released me from her mystical embrace. She smiled and led me up to a beautiful vista, one of the most beautiful vistas I've ever seen in decades of vista experiencing. She had me sit on a futon as she made her staff, and mine, glow with excitement.
"Watch now as I open the gate between the dimensions so that my armies can move through. Soon nothing will remain of those pathetic humans."
"Heil Gadzooks!" I yelled out suddenly, after which Gadzooks hit me across the face with her closed fist.
"None of this, you bastard," she snarled. "Now that my gate is opening, you serve no further purpose to me."
"Can I get a refund on that bedroll deal? It wasn't really fair."
"You will have to write to customer service."
"That is what I thought," I told her as she turned and waved her magical lady elf arms in the air and a big purple sun appeared in the sky. It got closer and then began opening at the center, revealing at first an eternal darkness, but then the planet Earth came into view.
"It begins!" declared Gadzooks as she waved her warriors to their positions. "It begins!"