itting at my computer
, the windows closed, I light some incense
... It has been raining all weekend, more or less non stop, very unusual for this area
. The droning of the rain is affirming, like a constant tribal drumming against my window, giving me something earthy
to hold on to.
I close my eyes and remember the time when we were driving down government boulevard on an equally rainy day with some incense propped in a sodacan and air softly on the stereo. The rain pearled off of the windshield in strings, it was outside, we were inside, in our bubble, miles away in spirit. The arm rests were propped up, and she had curled up against me, I still remember the smell of her hair... and I still remember the words she said... and I know I should have said "Yes, yes this is the most beautiful day of my life, and I want to spend the rest of it with you." Christ, I wish I would have had some balls and gone with my gut instinct.
How much different the rain sounds now...
It sounds different yet again -- times have changed, she has changed, any sort of bind would have ended in hurt. Now I found one I connect with, without any conflicts (yet, though I'm sure I jynxed it just now.)
Oh what I could have missed, and what bind I could have been in. Beware of permanent choices, friends.