divine experience

It was late evening 26.6.2001. I was sitting in my armchair doing particularly nothing at all when I closed my eyes and following hallucinogenic experience punched me:
(I try to describe it as I remembered it next morning when I wrote some notes for myself..)

God created an universe; an universe that enable the existence of spiral. A spiral can start to spin so fast that it becomes god-eating black hole. A spiral may crash down due to its speed of spinning.

This was a BAD thing. It just was; no reasons, it felt so obvious. A crashed spiral was nothingness, blackness, zero, void.

The god had a shape. It looked like a frame of football goal (without net) and there were cycles at the bottom of vertical bars, one cycle per bar. Footpedals were above the cycles and there was a human shaped creature trampling on one of these pedals. Sometimes the creature switched sides and was trampling on other pedals. While trampling, the whole frame-of-goal-cycle (fogc) was shaking and pumping and its size was altering in the rhythm of shaking.

But then I was able to observe that there were many fogcs. Together the fogcs created a grid-like shape. I cannot say how they were united -- maybe they rather were one totality than the body of combined fogcs.

The grid-like shape of fogcs was Light.

I was able to understand the definition of god:

God = Light, Plentifulness, Creation

Light = Happiness, Salvation, Harmony
Plentifulness = Rainbow; all the colors of Spectrum; the Right, the Left and the Center plus extreme movements and non-governmental organizations
Creation = Creative Process, Life, (Harmony and Happiness are reflections of Creation)

Poetically I understood that

to understand life is
to understand creation is
to understand god

I also understood what my life is at the moment and what it should be at the moment. I don't want to make it known, yet. Furthermore, I understood that this understanding may change and there's no contradiction in this unstability.

This divinity fought against void. But when divinity created Life it also created a possibility for existence of and born of void. NOTE: Life as an exception in the principle of increasing entropy!

The divinity, god, was able to create other, nested gods (if these gods were gods of lower level, I dunno..). The creation of new god happened if god consider it beneficial in the struggle against void.

The tactics of god and void were very different. Basically, Evil, void wasn't able to create any real life but its behaviour wasn't monotonic nor predictable. Mainly its tactic was a recuperation. At its best the void was able to make people and other forms of life hollow "eating" the Life out of them and thus turning people evil. The divinity fought against void simply creating new life: It was a zero-sum game.

One important notion is that even the god wasn't able to erase the past and while fighting against Evil it was hardly able to predict future and overtake time. Time was pretty much as absolute as god itself. Only when god had a good phase in the fight against Evil it was possible for god to do a small retreat and overtake time but it was very fatiguing and rarely god favored this tactic.

Even though I used past tense this fight is going on all the time and it's very likely that it will go on forever. Our role as the form of Life is to help god in the struggle. We can help by doing deeds that follow the principles of the definion of god. Simply said, our deed is the utilitarian maximization of happiness!

---

So, how will this change my life? For the first couple of days I was really thrilled and I thought it will bring enormous changes in my life. But it won't. I've lived following more or less those mentioned principles already. Most people do. There's still something to speculate and contemplate but I believe I've done the most of the thinking already and I guess this experience just gave me more courage to do the right thing. I guess it also forces me to be better person and less pisshead.

Do I have a religion then? No, I don't. Nor I don't think that the experience was in its deepest sense in contradiction with any (major) religion. It was pretty much what Mahatma Gandhi said about religions that in their core they are all the same. I think I agree. But I'm also very confident that I don't have to worship god in the way they tend to do it in most religions. I just don't see it as a way to maximal happiness. Some other people may and this is just fine (principle of plentifulness..).
If something has to be said about my new relations towards god I would just say that I will not call myself an atheist anymore but I'm not too happy with the term "believer" either. If something, I would like to call myself it-doesn't-matterist.

Were it that simple, I would have noded several personal experiences of the divine already. Unfortunately, these life changing experience often defy logic, for the simple reason that logic is inadequate to explain the reality of these deep siesmic shifts in our perceptual matrices. There is some personal wisdom to be used however, when dealing with these experiences. Most of these experiences happen just after a period of transition, are often possible internal absorption of the new values adopted during the transition period mentioned.

Also, inevitably, most of these experiences involve a shifting of already present internal symbolism. Unfortunately, this is a sign that the experience isn't really a divine one. The new juxtaposition of internal landscape is very different from the new symbols and ideas created in a divine experience. The two have very different flavours. One feels like a reformation, and enlightenment. This is great. The other feels like you have been touched by the Hand of God. THIS BLOWS great AWAY AND LEAVES ANY OTHER PERSONAL FEELINGS STANDING. Also one is often at a total loss to explain the experience to oneself, never mind another for several weeks or months afterwards. True divine experiences tend to go through rather intense private spells, and these change to more public spells as the language and personal imagery catches up to and integrates the entirely new knowledge. This is unfortunately lacking in the previous node.

The catholic church publishes some rather excellent pamphlets on religious experiences, and divine ones especially. So do Muslims, and Sikhs, and of course Hindus, and to a lesser extent, Buddhists. It is worth investigating these for the informational content, and also speaking to religious persons in these faiths as they often have fresh and piercing insights into what we know of the divine. Often the accounts are quite compelling.