Death Treat(n): Small cookie-like baked sweet goods, used to bribe the evil Death character into not kicking your Character's Rear End in the old Gauntlet Video Game, Unfortuently (for the Treats, and the players) these were entirely scrapped from the game to make room in the limited memory of the system for the now famous "Elf Needs Food Badly" line.

Atleast, that is my story and I'm sticking to it.
"Bless it all, Choronzon! That's seventy-eight heroic adventurers this week! Am I not feeding you enough souls? Do I not make myself the very bane of your existence? Do you not feel pain, agony, exquisite torture at the sound of my voice?"

"Yes, yes! O, Prince of Darkness, O, ruler of dead, collector of impure souls, it isn't us letting them through!"

"I don't want to know why it's not your fault, I want to hear what the Heaven do you plan to do about it!"

"Mazzzter, Dark Lord, Most Lowly... Don't bless us! It's not our fault, not this time. We haven't let one through since Theseus! We works our hardest, we does!"

"I don't want excuses, I want solutions! Work smarter, not harder!"

"But it's not us! It's that vile mutt, Cerberus!"

"Cerberus? Are you saying that my dog won't hunt?"

"I'm... I'm afraid so. Please, please don't punish us!"

"Be calm. Stop your sniveling. Does he say why he refuses the flesh of the foe?"

"He feels... he is no longer... I can't say it, my Dark Prince."

"Say it."

"He... feels he's no longer loved."

"No longer.... what? Ah, piss. Is it the first of the month again?"


"Fornicate me subtly with power tools and magical swords! Why do I always forget? Choronzon, do you wish to curry favor with me?"

"Yes, yes, always!"

"Here's ten bucks. Go up above, find a mini mart, and buy Cerberus some of those death treats."

Death carries a scythe, but have you looked in his utility belt?

There's a bag of poisoned sweeties, a hacksaw blade for when he takes you to the fun-fair, a gimlet to bore a hole in the planking of the pedalo, a key to the lion cage at the Zoo, and real bullets that fit a paintball gun.

Then there's a trip to McDonald's the day after George W. Bush rescinds the minimum wage laws. There's controlled bungee-jumping into terrain, and hang-gliding over Iraqi airspace. A trip to the cinema to see anything with Robin Williams in it so you beg for euthanasia.

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