Back in the
golden age of gangland
shenanigans, death threats truely reached their
pinnacle as an art form. The halting english, the dark accents... they were all perfect for expressing ones deep
hatred for ones enemies, and worked beautifully to fully visualize the
consequences of ignoring the warning. One can almost smell the sweat rolling off the brow of the poor irish
informant as the mob muscle whispers into his ear:
"Ahma gonna burn you good, O'Donnel. Burn you rite' fine, i am."
In recent years, however,
death threats have really begun to go downhill. People have passed up the beautiful, striking death threat in favour of the quick, the dirty, and the downright
boring. Far too often these days do I check my email to see variations on "i kill u GOOD!", or the ever popular "u r dead bitch!!!". It is not the incorrect spelling, nor the terrible grammar that is truely offensive in such threats.... It is the pure lack of
workmanship, the obvious decision to create a lousy piece of
homicidal penmanship over putting a bit of back into one's work. What is wrong with the
youth of today? In the name of art, I am going to offer some suggestions to would be death-threat-artists, in a hope that the great death threat will not be lost forever.
1. Simple death threats can often be the best, as long as they are well thought out, and presented artistically. Remember, think outside the box- How about a plain, unmarked, empty envelope with a drawing of a tombstone in red ink for a return address? Or perhaps a simple note, neatly penned, with a small message, yet one that gets your point across with all the clarity of the
hubble space telescope? perhaps something to the effect of...
"you've got 2 days. Make em' worthwhile."
"In the name of planning ahead, you should probably tell your boss you won't be in for awhile..."
"I think red is your color."
"Have you ever put any thought into what you're going to wear to your funeral?"
2. Perhaps, instead, you'd favour a more unique approach to informing a
mark of his final moments. Perhaps you'd like to present your notice of immenant demise in a less traditional manner... well perhaps, then, you might consider a
riddle format... these are best presented with the question on one side of a piece of paper, and the anwser on the other. It increases the surprise, dontchaknow? Try these on for size...
Q: What's reddy pink and black all over?
A: You, after i repeatedly run you over with my truck.
Q: What do you have in common with rebar?
A: Both you and rebar are added to cement to help with integrety problems.
Q: What's the difference between you and Jacques Cousteau?
A: When Jacques Cousteau swims with the fishes, he has an oxygen supply.
3. Maybe, you're a complex guy. how about a
cryptogram?
OPXLX MJIX HYC Y AYJ ELMA HYKXC,
HPM CXJO AW BMCCXC BLMOPXL OM TYDK,
PX HYC Y NFAB EFIV,
CM PMO KXYN PX AFCO CFIV,
YJN AW BMCCXC BLMOPXL HDKK PYUX OM GMCO BYDK.
These are but suggestions, from one
felony connoisseur to another. But remember, if your next fortune cookie reads: "
A passing in your immediate family will bring you a small plot of land." Beware. Perhaps the worlds oldest artform has not yet died out.
You have been warned.
This has been a nodeshell rescue.
If you can't get the cryptogram, drop me a /msg. A hint: It's a limerick.