(n) (deafnus onwheelus
) a self-propelled vehicle
, usually an automobile
truck equipped with a sound reproduction system designed to inflict pain
and attract attention
. Boommobiles generally resemble other road going vehicles, but are identified primarily by sound. They emit a low boom
that generates window rattles and exacerbates migraine
s. Other identifying marks include Eminem
Boommobiles are primarily nocturnal, roaming between five PM and six AM local time, with preferred emission hours occurring between midnight and four AM. This brings them into strong conflict with their natural prey, Homo laborus , or working man who rudely prefers to sleep during those hours. Boommobiles are urban creatures, who prefer to roam residential neighborhoods.
Urban anthropologists say the boommobile serves the primary purpose of announcing a previously unused penis. Each boommobile has an owner who is always a young male and occasionally educated. For this young male, or hormonus rageius, entering into a relationship with a boommobile affords the youth an opportunity to declare his budding virility, much as adult male orangutans present their penis to each other during the struggle for dominance. The object of this sonic presentation is to impress potential breeding partners, undereducated females between thirteen and seventeen and one half who are in the possession of hooters. If successful, the couple will breed, child support payments will force the sale of the boommobile, and everyone will end up on The Jerry Springer Show.
Boommobiles are also used in dominance conflicts among young males. Contests are arranged where boommobiles owners compete through the artifice of comparing the audio volume of their mounts. The purpose of these conflicts is to establish which young male has the largest line of credit.
Boommobiles are generally regarded as menaces by all those who are not male, or whose pimples have cleared up. As such several potential cures have been suggested. Sound ordinances have been tried, but are generally ignored. Auto theft opened up some promising opportunities until it was realized that the salvaged parts generally ended up in other boommobiles.
However, large numbers of USAF and Navy Sidewinder missiles become obsolete every year. Instead of selling them to third world dictators so they can explode in regional wars, they can be rebuilt to reduce the boommobile population. The distinctive "boom mutha fucka boom mutha fucka" sound emitted by boommobiles offers a readily identifiable target signature, so an effective seeker head can be easily engineered. Rebuilt sidewinders can then be located at key intersections in residential neighborhoods. These boom-seeking missiles may solve the boommobile problem with one solitary, if larger, boom.
My friend Chris, an engineer inside the military/industrial complex says the seeker head of a Sidewinder is physically too small to target low frequency noises. Bass wavelength is too long for the small array transducer that could fit on a sidewinder's seeker. He suggests microwave emitters designed to fry the electronics through an induced overload. This has the additional virtue of being non-lethal, and perhaps a house mounted system might be available. Or a wider microphone array could control a cannon. We shall overcome