We will fight until we are this mess of
bitter tears and anger over all of these things that have happened or things that might have happened. You know that I can not stay angry - it has never been in my nature to feel anything short of responsible for always falling short of who I had meant to be for you, for myself. Still, this time seems different. This time you resemble
a wild animal with your back up and your eyes full of rage and resentment. It is all of these things we've left to fester for years now, hurt feelings and the lies. Mostly the lies. After a while I can only sit and stare at your eyes -
piercing and blue behind the frustration.
When I met you there were few questions beyond when can we steal away,
where can we go and
how fast can we get there and
away from here. All of the nothingness that seemed to be smothering our souls. We would sit alone in the late night beside the river with the street lights reflecting decrepit buildings - their
crumbling ruined tallness all around. You recited poetry and obscure
biblical verse from a tattered copy given to you years ago by a
street person. You've always known more about the past than I could ever hope to and always a story for why things are and how they could have been. I suppose this is part of the draw when someone is
eroding your restraint. It was never that I didn't want to love you, simply that my capacity to love unconditionally seemed to have greatly diminished over the years. I am still quite sure that no one deserves less than that sort of love to fill all of their days.
And now you are the reason that I read
The Giving Tree to the children, even though it seems to make them a little sad and confused. And you are the reason that I keep on holding on to these delusions of loving anyone forever, even when they've left me rather alone and broken at times. We are only hurting now because neither of us can look at the other and admit that it is not a matter of fault but a matter of
inconsistency in the universe and our own various imperfections. We are both intelligent enough to recognize our own resilience, at least, we both know this will only end with mutual digression.
You have have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve, and I have always buried them deep beneath the ground..
The sun rises brilliant across the clean white snow like a trillion tiny diamonds and you know this, if you've ever seen it, you can never forget. Tiny dew drops across a billion blades of grass on the first spring morning of the year. Perhaps just to remind us that
we are only living tiny little lives inside of it all.
I can't say that I am ashamed or even angry about all of this anymore. These days I find it easier to watch the anger in your eyes transition to confusion when I cross the floor to stand in front of you with
mischievous eyes. There are only so many of these days left for any one of us and we can only forgive each other our failings now and then. I will take this one for both of us and kiss you full on the lips with our bodies pressed close and my fists full of your hair. And you will see it is time to
finish what we started.