ailie control ray

A dusty and rarely-used device stored in the back of the E2 Weapons Locker. It looks like a large and unwieldy ray gun -- like something out of an old Flash Gordon serial; it is colored red and silver, with various spiky bits sticking out here and there and a barrel big enough to stick your head into. On the side is a simple label: "Ailie Control Ray." No one knows where it came from. It is dusty and rarely used, because it is universally feared.

Most of the items in the Weapons Locker are either still in use today (such as the Asamothian Hunter-Killer Bot and the Troll Deflector Shield) or have been retired after honorably serving their purpose (the Deluxe Gortician Whacker immediately springs to mind). But the Ailie Control Ray remains untouched because of the only time it was tested...

You see, once upon a time, thefez was not the nice, slightly crazed guy he is today. Once upon a time, thefez craved power. Not just a little, but a whole ton of it. Enough to light up Las Vegas for a year, enough to snuff out the sun, enough to push even nate around. When thefez found the Ailie Control Ray, his greedy little eyes lit up. "Ahh," he said. (We have tapes of this, so yes, he really said "Ahh." No really, now hush up) "A simple method to control a single noder. While Alaskan geophysicists are not first choice for ultimate control, study of this eldritch device may give me the insights I need to construct the fabled Everything Control Ray and thus make me Lord of all Creation!" (I said we have it on tape, so shut up)

So thefez switched the ray on, and a voice filled his mind -- the Voice of Ailie.

"Oh, silly me. I left my little popgun lying around. And it's completely mislabeled, too. That's supposed to be 'Ailie's Control Ray.' I'll have to fix that later. But I can tell you're going to be trouble, Evil Dr. Thefez, so I better neutralize you now. Really, you wouldn't be so bad if you were more friendly and liked soy and funny bugs and talked in ALL CAPS. Let's see if we can't make you a little happier..."

And that's the true story of why thefez is so much fun to be around, why we're all so careful around ailie, and why careful labeling of your secret weapons is so vitally important...