I don’t even know how to write anymore … It has been too long, and I, too busy. I am sittin’ in my computer room waiting for the time to pass; listening to an Oasis
song I haven’t heard in years. Live Forever
. I remember this song was our mantra in the Sheppard Pratt
adolescent ward back in ‘94. No one really wanted to die. We just needed to break free. Suicide
was the only option then. How much things have changed.
I am free now. Graduation
was two days ago, and now I must decide my fate all on my own. No parents to tell me what I must do. I don’t want this freedom anymore. There are too many decisions to be made, and no one to blame but myself when they turn out wrong.
Life just moves too quickly. I can still remember watching the 18 year-olds, envious of their mature age and grand wisdom
. Now the 18 year-olds are babies. I laugh at their certainty. They know everything; they’ve done it all; they have everyone fooled by their tough and unbreakable façade.
Everyday I am hit by the certainty that I know nothing
. It only took me half a decade to come to this realization. At first it was a comforting thought; no expectations attached to it. No great deeds
to be done; no saving the world. A woman who knows nothing cannot even save herself.
And yet, they still come to me looking for answers. Somehow, those freshmen and sophomores slipped into my upper-level classes. With glossy eyes and a tremble in their voice, they seek me out for explanation. “I didn’t learn a thing in this class; I couldn’t understand a thing he taught us.” Amazed, I wonder to myself: “How could he have made it any easier? Are you just stupid, or did you not pay an ounce of attention.”
So I put it in clear and stupid words for them. And they smile with relief; at least now I can pass the exam
So where does this leave us? How can a woman who knows nothing teach others? If I know nothing, and they know even less … This is America
; these are our brightest and best. Who will save the world
if I cannot. Because I certainly cannot; I know nothing, and I just wanna be free