Tory Leader Reveals Core Beliefs
Michael Howard, the leader of Britain's opposition Conservative Party, has today issued a statement to all 15 of his party's members outlining his core beliefs. The majority of these beliefs have been criticised as being Thatcherite and antisocial, but some have caused more concern than others among Conservative inner circles.
Mr. Howard states "I believe in the final Satanic victory over the Puppets of God, and pledge myself to Thee my Dark Lord." Elsewhere in the document he makes veiled threats thought to be directed to Ann Whitticombe, such as "I believe that bitch is going to get what's coming to her. Don't sleep!"
Michael Howard has so far issued no comment concerning these statements. A pale, thin, malnourished looking party spokesmen told journalists that "The master will speak unto thee, but not while the Day Star casts its infernal light. Vlah!"
Threat of Killer Statues "Greatly Diminished"
The threat posed to coalition forces by bronze statues of Saddam Hussein has been "greatly diminished" according to sources within the US military. The statues, one of which was symbolically demolished by the Americans yesterday, had previously been rampaging about the city of Baghdad, ramming their mighty metallic fists through tanks like mere children's toys.
When asked for his opinion of the coalition's monumental victory over the statue in question, the Iraqi information minister, Mohammed Saeed, replied "Don't be silly, there's no such thing as America."
Man Walks into Bar - Says Ouch
A local man said "ouch" last night after walking into a bar.
Desmond Connoly, 28, told reporters "I wasn't looking where I was going, and I walked straight into a wooden bar leaning against a wall."
Connoly shrugged off the incident, but later found it problematic to relate his experience to others.
"This morning at work, I was telling the guys in the office about walking into the bar" he said. "They thought it was some kind of joke. It took a good couple of minutes for me to explain to them that I had walked into a bar, not into a bar."
Connoly suffered no major injuries as a result of his ordeal. The bar, however, was chipped and had to be discarded.
Ford Unveils New Line of Sports Utility Hearses
Auto manufacturer Ford has introduced a new line of sports utility hearses under the banner of company's popular "Explorer" range.
In a press release, Ford stated "The Explorer Dignatrail offers the consumer a unique blend of raw power, sheer exhileration and respectful dignity."
Critics have claimed that the Explorer Dignatrail is simply an attempt to circumvent legislation regarding vehicle emmissions. Ford have been quick to deny this, however, saying that "The market for sports utility hearses is an underdeveloped one. We expect to see other motor vehicle manufacturers take up this line of production in the near future."
Tony Blair - "..."
British Prime Minister Tony Blair has delivered a three and a half second pause in support of the proposed war on Iraq.
The pause came during a speech in which Mr. Blair outlined his fears that complacency within the UN might undermine the authority of the organisation and serve to embolden Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. Supporters of the Prime Minister's hardline policy against Iraq give the pause a standing ovation. Former Foreign Secretary Robin Cook was later quoted as saying "it was an excellent pause, which stands as damning evidence against Saddam and in support of the forcible disarming of the Iraqi war machine."
Praise for the Prime Minister's momentary silence also came from Conservative Party leader Ian Duncan Cough. Mr. Cough, speaking at Prime Minister's Question Time, congratulated the Mr. Blair on "a wise and well timed pause, which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Saddam is in material breach of something or other."