Test Administrator (reading): “Welcome to the E.A.T. I: ‘Reasoning’ Test. I have a few announcements before testing begins.

“The College Board has made some changes to its famous eligibility-assessment test from the previous year. The test will now be given orally to highlight our test administrators’ inability to read.” (breaking script) Hey, that’s not fair. I can read. I do teach public school, after all.

Ahem. (resumes reading) “Please fill in boxes #1 and #2 with your name and address. In box #3, please fill in the oval corresponding to your parent’s average yearly income. After completing this step, you don’t really have to go on with the test if you’d like, we already have enough information to compute your score.” (several students get up and leave) OK, see you folks later.

So you people are staying? Couldn’t afford the test prep? Oh well. I’ll continue.

“In box #4, please indicate if you are cheating on today’s test. If you reply ‘yes’, please indicate how much money you spent on your testing aid. That way we’ll know if you were really serious about getting a good grade. In box #5, indicate your sex.” (snickering from students) What? “In box #6, indicate all of the minorities that you belong to, so we can determine the exact amount of bias we have against you and your likelihood to sue for discrimination.

“Now we’ll do some actual questions, if you really want to. I mean, it’s not really necessary. But we do it anyway, for formality. First up is the math section. If you indicated that your sex is female in box #5, we have already determined your score and you are not permitted to take this section. Come on, everyone knows chicks can’t do math.

“The first (and only) question for the math section is this: 18,000 people apply to Stanford for undergraduate admission, and 5,000 of them had a GPA of 4.0 or higher, and 3,000 of them scored higher than 1500 on this test, and only 2,000 are admitted. Each admitted student pays $120,000 for four years (except for the asshole football captain, who’s getting a free ride). What are the odds that your dreams of a fulfilling education at a prestigious research institution will be unceremoniously crushed in the coming months? A) 1:1, B) 2:1, C) 1:5, D) 1:10,000, E) Isoceles.

“Now on to the verbal section. Since all males are incapable of communicating anything but, ‘Sex now, or later?’ they can skip this section. Your verbal score has already been assessed as well, you perverts. Here is the question: Suzie goes to college, where she is barraged by an insane workload and intense competition from her gerbil-in-a-cage classmates. Her roommate takes a harrowing amount of psychosomatic substances, plays numbingly loud rap music until 3 AM, when she turns off the music to engage in even louder sex acts with her boyfriend in the bunk above her. Suzie desperately tries to stay ahead but her grades begin to slip and her precious dreams of medical school start to dissipate, leaving her cold and alone in a desolate swamp of self-pity. Suzie then: A) sucks it up and stays at college, B) gives up and goes home to Mommy and Daddy, C) forgets medical school, joins a sorority, and drinks herself into oblivion, D) hangs herself, E) tattoos a swastika on her forehead, dismembers three of her professors with a machete, and goes on an interstate killing spree.

All done? Please hand in your tests, and sleep well tonight, knowing that your success in life has been predetermined from birth. Have a nice day!”

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