An Alleged Reading of the Stars in Stripes in a “Hotel” by Autumn Mist
‘I don’t generally partake in political talk because I am not very smart. And by the I don’t mean stupid. I’m at least as smart as Mr. Buckley or that guy who sells the puppies in the “tacos” in front of my basket-burger, just not in politics. So, it is with a somewhat “tentative” heart that I begin writing this “essay” on my personal distaste of a “Republicunt” I met at a party last night. Mind! I only call Republicunts “Republicunts” and Democrats “Democrats” because I can’t think of a term as “offensive” as “Republicunt” for the “Democrats”. This is not because I don’t like “them” or “them”, but only a “symptom” of my own “political” “philosophy” that anybody who joins a political “group” should be mocked until they cry. Now, this “person”, a term I use “loosely”, was at this “party”, the alleged party, drinking what I will call “soda pop” so as to not shock the “ladies” who are undoubtedly “reading” this “essay”. This “person” said to “me” after a few “cups” that the “alleged” “homosexual” couple in the corner were a threat to society for being “alleged homosexuals”. He said it in this way:
‘“If this is what ‘society’ is coming down to, let me quote Mr. ‘Langly’ in saying, ‘The true downfall of society will be when these “gay couples” who talk about freedom actually gain “freedom”. When Harvey Milk said, “I don’t give a tuppence for the common man.” He was actually referring to Gergory Gammoned the Third’s speech on the “Yuri Quarter“, which I will quote in part: “Did never Johnson of Brandenburg say to the ‘Philadelphian’ Court that madmen cannot rationally think when they have a ‘purpose’. My good friend says, ‘Let not your country be ‘tis of Thee, but rather it be Thee of ‘tis, for it is not what my country can do but what I can do and these “homosexuals” are only interested in themselves.’”’”
‘I was “shocked” at “this” and said, “Surely you would not ‘want’ to take happiness away from ‘people’ any ‘people’ even gay ‘people’?”
‘And he said, “They infringe upon my own ‘happiness’ so why shouldn’t I?”
‘I “hit” “him”.
‘Now, despite our “desire” to “see” “it” “otherwise” the issue of “gay marriage” is alleged to be “political” in nature rather than a “societal” phenomena. It is my “esteemed” “position” that this is a “natural consequence of ‘fear’ of the ‘unknown’”. “People” who have not “encountered” “gays” in “everyday” “life” are fearful and threatened by “gays”, the “alleged ‘gays, whose existence “I” can neither “confirm” or “deny”’.”
‘Now, that being “said”, let me get on to the “reading” of “An Alleged Reading of the Stars ‘in’ Stripes ‘in’ a ‘Hotel’” by “Autumn Mist“, an “anonymous” “author” I met on the “alleged” internet. She is a “regal girl” who likes “popcorn and sometimes those little sugar cubes they feed horses when ’they’ think I’m not looking.” She isn’t what “you” would call a “fashion model” but she is, in “your” own words, “A cute button of a lass who occasionally will bind the feet of natives whiles singing.” I’d like to point out that anything “opinion” you might express is thrown into doubt because you place an unnecessary “S” in the “word” “while”. Such doubts to “your credibility” make any accusation as to “the cohesion and sense of this ’article’” meaningless. As such, any “typos” you find will be ignored because you have already proven that you are not to be trusted with such things. “Typos” can and will be extended by “me” to include anything else I “deem” “fit” such as opinions as to the nature of the alleged “homosexuals whom I made up at a ’party I made up while talking to a “’Republicunt” who I made up’. You see, your terrible “punctuation” has left me in doubt as to your “quality” as a “person” and “indeed” in your “quality as a person”. It is “thus” very hard for me to take you “seriously“.
‘Remember when your mother “died” and you “cried” “for days“? Of course, she’s still alive and you didn’t cry at all, but the simple act of lying made me not “trust” you “for weeks“. It’s that sort of “thing“. It is indeed the very reason I don’t talk “politics”. Which is, “of course”, because I’m not very smart, but “profoundly” stupid.’
‘That’s the most moronic thing I’ve ever heard,’ I said, taking my cherry-flavored tobacco pipe from out of my mouth and setting it down upon the spinster I had hired for just such a purpose. I crumpled the paper and threw it into the fire. ‘You obviously can call them Demifucks.’
Bartum, of course, only had comments about Mr. Eden-willows’s punctuation.