March 21 - April 19
Your problems this week could be considered merely child's play. That new My Buddy doll you have bought your kid may be more than you bargained for. You see, it's defective. The company has issued a recall. Apparently some of them have been possessed by evil spirits. Your kid may start saying horrible things, mimicking what he's hearing his little buddy saying. But it will not be long before the doll begins killing everybody around you, starting with any pets and wacky neighbors and moving up to your nuclear family. No, I'm not talking about a nuclear bomb, that's an altogether different horror. Sheesh you're an idiot. Maybe it's not such a bad thing that the doll will eventually get a hold of the butcher knife from the kitchen and slit your throat while you sleep. Happy gurgling!
April 20 - May 20
An interesting German fellow will move in down the street from you this week. You will be impressed by the exquisite old luxurious furniture and marvelous works of art that the movers will be bringing into the house as you watch them work from your front lawn. Oh watch out, you're going to step in some dog poo while watching them. Anyway, after you realize that you never see him come out during the day, you will probably do some investigating. You will find out that the new resident's name is Nosferatu. It's a cool name, you might think. What you don't know is that his hobbies include painting, studying old architecture, listening to tapes of old radio shows in his basement, and sucking blood. That's right, Nosferatu's a vampire, something you might notice the first time you glance upon this emaciated, bug-eyed, and balding man! And since you've been poking around his digs, he will set his supernatural sights onto you! You might want to purchase garlic this week, maybe procure some holy water and maybe fashion a few sharp wooden stakes, because your blood's going to look mighty tasty to him!
May 21 - June 21
Your horrorscope this month is for the birds... literally. This week the Sun connects with Uranus - quit giggling! - so this means that just about anything can happen. As such, be aware of an inordinate number of the winged wonders to be hanging out around your neighborhood. Trees will be full of them. Your yard will be full of them. The sidewalks will be covered with them... and their charming splats of mostly-white feces. You may notice that they're watching you, their round eyes fixated on you as you slowly make your way past them. They'll creep you out, especially the crows (of course). You won't have long to wonder what the hell is going on, though. Their precocious pecking will preempt your pondering! Yes look for them to begin swooping down on you and your unsuspecting neighbors and poking their beaks into your flesh! Make sure to cover your eyes, for you'll discover old Mr. McGregor down the street in his ransacked house with his eyes poked out! Try as you might to fly away from these murderous aviators, they'll probably get you! So say your prayers and go buy some bags of birdseed. It may not save your life but it'll probably prolong it... a few minutes.
June 22 - July 22
The alignment of the moon and stars this week will stir the curiosity in you. Be forewarned: you may not want to go to a small town and do a documentary on any historical, legendary witches it may have. Even if you take those two film student friends of yours, you may find yourself in over your head when, after interviewing some local yokels, you decide to head into the woods where the witch supposedly lived -- where she supposedly took all the children she kidnapped and then molested... or made kiddie porn with or... ate... or... well, whatever the hell she did with them. Anyway, despite having a map, and despite never really venturing deep into the woods, somehow you will get lost. You'll start to find weird crap hanging from the trees. You may find a handkerchief with teeth... or viscera... or... well, something bloody. Your trio may become a duo when one of you mysteriously disappears... or runs off... or is kidnapped... or something. Yes, you will be gripped with mortal terror as you realize this witch may in fact be real and stalking you. And for some reason you'll feel compelled to film almost every minute of it. Be sure, though, if you film yourself making some sort of fear-induced confession, when you do that closeup, be sure to blow your nose first.
July 23 - August 22
This week will be a test for you. Will it be a test of courage? A test of loyalty? Of honor? No, more like it will be a test of stupidity! You may find yourself at some kind of gathering at a friend's house, maybe a party, maybe a poker game, whatever it is is not what's important here. What is important is if you go to the basement or not. Or the garage or barn outside. Doesn't matter. What will happen is somebody will hear a noise from the basement/barn/garage and go to check it out. That person will not return. After a considerable amount of time has passed, another person will go to look for the previous person. He or she will, too, not return. Do you see where this is going? At some point it will be your turn to go. What will you do? Will you go and most likely be murdered by the serial killer/monster waiting in the basement/barn/garage? Or will you actually take the road rarely traveled and stand up and say "You know what? Everybody else who has gone hasn't come back! I think I'll pass, thank you very much!" If you choose the latter, you may pass the test. If you choose the former, then you're a dumbass just like the others. Hey, there's a strange noise coming from your basement! Why don't you go check it out?
August 23 - September 22
You might be in store for a worse, more horrible fate than any other sign this week. It will be horrendous. It will be sheer and utter torture! It will take your strength to endure, to survive to its very limits! Some sick, twisted, sadistic bastard may kidnap you and tie you to a couch and force you to watch 120 hours straight of decades of the Academy Awards! What's worse is any of the good stuff - what little of it there was - is edited out. You will only get to experience all the awkward and bad jokes, endless and pointless musical numbers, long thank, impromptu political speeches and/or demonstrations, and several hours of the awards nobody gives a rat's ass about like "tehnical achievement in sound," "post production editing," and "best boy gripping" (that sounds quite dirty, doesn't it?)! Near the end of it you'll be begging - no - praying for death!
September 23 - October 22
Did you ever hear the story about the black man about a hundred or so years ago who was tortured and killed? Did you hear that his hand was cut off? Did you hear that now he will appear to you if you say his name five times in front of a mirror and cut you in two using his hook where his hand should be? You don't believe that nonsense! No Libra would! But maybe you should. For if you do indeed boldy go to a mirror and say his name five times, he WILL appear, and he will slice you up the middle from your "groin up to your gullet!" Can you just imagine the sort of pain that will cause in the final seconds of your life, an old rusty metal hook ripping through the tender flesh of your genital area and slicing all the way up to your throat? This week for you, you may not have to imagine any longer. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Hey, at least you're better off than Virgo this week.
October 23 - November 21
You will have an urge to go back to nature this week. You might crave the smell of fresh forest vegetation, the crunch of leaves under your feet, the haunting calls of the various woodland creatures. You may even get the urge to go hunting. Be careful who you go with, though. If you go quail hunting with any powerful or high-ranking politicians, BEWARE! Without warning he may turn around quickly trying to get a quail and BLAM! fire his gun at you, spraying pellets into your neck and chest. You actually may not die, provided none of them hit your heart, but it'll hurt like a bitch, and provide a very humorous story to tell for years and years to come. Unless of course this politician tries to keep it on the downlow and threatens you with death if you tell anybody. If he doesn't, write a best-selling book about the ordeal.
November 22 - December 21
You may start recalling long-buried memories this week. You will return to your childhood, to fond memories of your group of friends and the times you spent playing and hanging out together... and to horrible memories of a frightening clown! He kidnaps children, seems to live in the sewer, and torments you and your childhood buddies! This sudden recalling of these horrible and tragic memories may prompt you to call all of them together, to meet and talk about the memories back in the small town where the nightmares took place. You might decide together, with your friends, to do something about this clown this time around so he no longer harms any children. When you do go into the sewers to find him you may discover that all this time he was this retarded-looking spider alien that is easily felled by an asthma inhaler! Who knew? Maybe it was allergic. Also on the plus side, the comedian in your group of friends has a weird fondness for the music of Mel Torme.
December 22 - January 19
Tragedy will strike your family this week. First the family dog will likely be hit by a car and die! You will all be saddened, but you hear about a very special pet cemetary on the outskirts of town. No, it's not for retarded pets, it's very special because upon burying your pets there, they will come back to life! Your dog does indeed come back to life, but you should have taken a lesson about resurrection from Buffy the Vampire Slayer: it comes back wrong! The dog comes back seriously psychotic. Apparently you forget that when, after your child is also tragically hit by a car, you bury the kid in the cemetery! Your child also comes back psychotic and begins killing everybody around you -- including you! Hope that nobody decides to bury you in that godforsaken place! Being among the walking dead is not fun. Just ask Keith Richards.
January 20 - February 18
Keep an eye out for trees this week. Because you'll be hitting one in a horrible one-car accident when you go off the side of the road while trying to find a good CD to play. You will lose an eye in this accident. Be forewarned, though, for your doctor will find a donor eye to replace your lost one. What none of you know is that it was the eye of an evil serial killer! At first it will creep your spouse out because it is a different color. However, some of the spirit of the eye's previous owner will infect your mind and you will begin acting like him! The only thing that will keep you from eventually slaying your partner is poking the eye out! Ouch! A bit of advice: watch about twelve hours of the Lifetime Movie Network and you will actually want to poke it out... both eyes, actually. Hey, there's only so much Meredith Baxter, Tyne Daly, and Valerie Bertinelli one can take.
February 19 - March 20
This week, with the Sun connecting with Uranus - I said quit giggling! - this atmosphere of "anything can happen" will bring you to one of those exotic places you've always wanted to visit - Japan. The high-contrast culture of technology and feudal history over there has always intrigued you so this week you take the big dive, buy your one-way ticket and head on over there. Be careful of which house you choose to rent/caretake over there. It could be haunted! You see, something to do with violent rage happened in that house which cursed it with the ghosts of the participants in said rage. Look forward to seeing lots of scary things like wet hair and screaming kids! It will be so horrible you might involuntarily evacuate your bowels. Seriously.