X-FOLKS: The Epic Saga of Maw & Paw
cHaPtEr OnE: The Namnazi War
"Paw, tell me about the war
." Sonny asked as I poured
myself a nice glass of whiskey
. I sighed, set down the half-full
glass of Wild Turkey
and stared off into the distance.
"War is hell
, Sonny..." Memories
flooded back like
a lemon juice rub after being hit by shrapnel
. But the boy had to
know. God the horrors. "Yer Uncle Doc died in the war
remember the war like it was yesterday...
"It was 1945, and a war took place that most ain't never
heard of. The government
tried to cover it up; they still send in
the snipers every now and then, but Maw lets 'em have it good. I
was secretly drafted into a war called the Namnazi war. Nazis
infiltrated parts of Vietnam
, and yer Uncle Sam
was madder than a
squirrel without a tail. So we were dropped in behind enemy lines
with only a swiss army knife and a roll of toilet paper --damned
water. Well soon as we touched down, five of them landed on
cause that moron pilot made a miscacalation or something.
That only left me, Doc, and the twins we met on the plane (Maw an
I hadn't met yet). Our objective, take out the communications
base so that they couldn't radio for more nazis
. They would air
drop a case of something called nitro to us later. Well we headed
through the jungle until Doc heard footsteps in the brush. Sure
enough, thirty ninja
-nazis leaped out of a bush all at once.
" 'What were all you fellers doin in the same bush in
pajamas' I asked. 'Never mind that,' they replied 'now we beat
you!' Well, Sonny, I wasn't gonna have nazis talk to me that way!
I took out my toilet paper and my knife. Using the steel from my
knife and a conveniently placed peice of flint, I ignited my TP
and threw it at him shouting 'Take that you silly pajama freak!'
and he burst into flames, then exploded, taking out ten others.
Doc saw me do that, and copied me, melting eleven more. 'Haha!'
They shouted 'Now you have no more toilet paper!'. But we did
have the twins, who were very good at tumbling and gymnastics.
And I bet you never knew ol' Doc was an eightpin
he grabbed a twin, using her mouth and nose for fingerholes, and
split them right down the middle. Two were left, with a large
open space between them, and they brandished swords. So I took
out the magnifying glass on my knife. Using the sun, I melted them
both to a crispy shell.
"Well Doc and I continued down the trail, and a few days
later we were very cranky and irritable, cause we had no toilet
paper and the uglier twin. So it came as no suprise when we tore
apart that platoon
that came roaring through. But after
destroying so much, one leaves a trail. We were only one more mile
from the base when our trail was picked up. We was one mile from the
base and woke up to find two thousand blonde-haired, blue eyed,
staring right at us. I had to think fast, meanwhile the
twin listened to her radio.
" 'Hey,' shouted the lead nazi 'aren't you the one's
trying to blow up the base?'. What could I do. Then I noticed
" 'No!' I said 'You have it mixed up! I want to PUMP up
!' I grabbed the radio and turned the volume up full blast
and began to dance. Doc and the twin joined us and soon everybody
was having a swell time. But the party got kind of out of hand in
the woods and I suggested it was getting late, and we move it
inside. The crowd reacted enthusiastically and someone suggested
the base and everyone cheered. Needless to say, Sonny, it was
trashed within hours. With the whole nazi army
in vietnam hungover,
I made my escape with Doc, but the twin opted to stay. Well we
waited at the checksite and got back ok, I guess. Unless you count
the fact that the nitro landed on Doc and killed him while we
waited for the rescue chopper
"Yeah, Sonny, it was a hell of a war..." I took a shot
of whiskey and sat back. Sonny still just stared at me with a
lopsided grin on his face.
"Well where did you and Maw meet?" Damned kid, too full
of questions. I sighed and set the glass down once again.
"Well, after the base was cleared, we was supposed to go
in and destroy the ammo dump that the nazis used to refuel and
resupply. But first we needed reinforcements. The twin ran off
with a pilot from Guam
, and I needed help. So the chopper took me
to another platoon, where the supplies were better. There, leading
the men into combat, was the meanest, butchest, buffest woman
you ever did see. She even had a five o'clock shadow
, and I knew
at once I was in love
. Well we stormed that jungle quieter than
a cat with no feet, and made it right outside the dump. I carried
the chain gun, and Bernie, the ammo carrier seemed to have caught
malaria or something, but his skin got kinda wrinkly and yellow
colored. Anyways, the first wave was terrible, everyone but Maw
and I was killed. The nazis surrounded us, whistling Wagner
Maw taped two RPG-7
s together for her left, and carried the chain
gun in her right. I had a double barreled shotgun, a bowie knife,
and only one shell. It was time to kick some serious nazi-ass.
"We jumped up on the ridge and there were hundreds of nazis
before us. Fortunately, they were very close together and Maw let
the rockets fly. But the rockets didn't release and it tore her arm
clear off. But it sure did waste a lot of them buggers. I got hit
by a stray bullet and fell back. Maw sprayed the nazis with gun
fire and killed most of them. But she ran out of ammo and there
were two machine gun nests
left on opposite sides of the camp. I
grabbed my bowie knife and jumped up. There was a barrel of
by each nest. But I only had one shell. So I pointed
the barrel between the two nests and held my knife in front, like
this, and fired. The knife cut the shell in half before it broke
and both halves hit the fuel. Both machine gun nests were taken
out and all the nazis were dead. Maw was bleeding pretty bad, so
I started to dress the wound, when a gunship
comes out of the sky
with guns a blazin'. So I dodge the bullets until he's only twenty
feet away, and maybe twenty feet high, then I throw the knife at
it and hit the pilot. The pilot fell over dead and before anyone
could grab control of the chopper it fell into the ammo dump and
exploded. The ammo dump was utterly destroyed.
"When the rescue chopper picked us up, they found us like
when you walked in on us last tuesday. Anyways, Maw was taken to
a hospital, and thats how she got that bionic
arm. We were married
the day after the operation, and then flown to D.C. to meet the
president. 'You two have saved the world as we know it,' he said.
'what can we ever do to repay you?' I suggested he lower taxes but
he just laughed and told me how funny that was. So I settled for
a secret prototype of the Lamborghini Diablo
. Maw wanted to be
able to pickup cable in her arm. So the president fixed us up and
even threw in a nice little condo in New York
"That, Sonny, is the story of the Namnazi War." I refilled
my glass with more whiskey and settled back, letting the ice
clink against the glass. "Gee, Paw, that must be how you won the
World Racing Cup." Sonny suggested. "It was the car, right?"
"Nope, it was the shoes." I replied, but Sonny stared at me in
confusion. "Oh well, I guess I'd have to explain someday. Well,
see, Maw and I were in Tibet once and..."
(Continued in X-Folks: Revenge of the Tibetan Monks)