I hope you have come to this node today in order to experience a change in your life. I'm glad to hear that. I hope that goes well for you.

Now, while we are on the subject of the written word, why don't we talk about your writing career. It hasn't really paid off the way you hoped it would. I know. Thats rough. Chin up.

There is a venue of the writing market that is undertapped. This is the world of writing hokey dialogue and plot elements for pornographic movies.

You may not have realized this, but there is a rather strange formula to writing not only the sex scenes, but the hokey plot elements and dialogue as well. Once you learn this formula you could be making five pence on the pound in ways you never dreamed a writing career could. Into the sets for pornographic movies.

Maybe you are not a voyeur for pornography? Maybe you deny this only to people who are not you.

You want to start with a fairly implausible opening scene. We don't want to push the suspension of disbelief into overdrive right out of the gate. You want the viewer to say, "Well, that's stupid," but keep watching. You don't want them to stop watching before they even get to the sex scenes.

Why, you ask, don't they just cut right to the sex scenes and leave all this weird filler stuff out of it? Well, that isn't going to happen. No one wants to pay for a five minute long movie. And they like to be creeped out by weird ass shit going on in between the sex scenes while billing this fare as a "pornographic blockbuster." All that nonsense between the sex scenes gives the viewer the overall feeling of watching a movie that just happens to contain hardcore sex scenes, rather than feel icky by watching non-stop banging with no plot at all and no dialogue other than grunts and moans. The viewer wouldn't feel clean watching that, you so need to give them what they need to make the experience one they can treasure.

Now, you may know about treasure. Maybe you have been a person of interest in a criminal case or two. I am here to tell you that two incidences of being a person of interest in a criminal case may be considered coincidental, but more than two will eventually get you locked up due to the odds involved in something like that.

Now, you want to provide a tease of what is to come in the sex scenes at this point in your film. You've already introduced some barely believable plot elements and settings, and now there needs to be a little bit of a tease. Perhaps the woman grabs teasingly at the man's genitals? You can write that yourself. It doesn't require the sex scene writer for that part. While a sex scene writer might write a part like that, it is not necessarily something that is always in their domain. Remember what I said about treasure. Now, think about it.

So, there is the tease, which you have written and that cuts to a new scene. Perhaps these old friends have gotten together in the hunting lodge they hung out in when they were fifteen. It is a reunion of old childhood friends. It is almost a Disney movie at this point. So, we have to bring a little absurdity into play. It is a rustic, old, abandoned shack out in the woods from the outside, but inside it is like a resort hotel. What is up with that? Get the viewer wondering if this film is an extension of reality or if it is something else completely. Which is the key question you want someone to ask themselves when they are watching a pornographic movie.

Also, despite this being a rustic cabin out in the middle of the woods, not even close to any roads, and from the outside it basically looks like an outhouse, the guests are all wearing tuxedos and formal wear. The women are in ball gowns. And inside the place is like a very wealthy resort somewhere in Switzerland (which is an important thing to link this article to). The viewer is now facing a conundrum. Does he really want to see all this "story" or can he skip ahead to "the good parts"?

There has to be a way to keep the viewer engaged with your hokey plots and dialogue. You need to throw in something at this point that is so off the wall, the viewer will be compelled to keep watching to see what else might happen. Maybe an old man lived in the outhouse resort. Maybe he comes through on his way to his piss pail and he sees all the people in their party clothes. He is slow witted with age and alcoholism, so he just wanders confused through the crowd. gets himself a beer and then disappears, never to be seen, heard from, or spoken of again.

Give your viewer an opportunity to enjoy a truly magical experience by being the reason why they watch the entire movie, all the way through, instead of just fast forwarding to "the good parts." This pointless scene about the old man living in the shack? Doesn't he notice that the outhouse he lives in looks like a resort hotel inside? Why is he urinating in a pail instead of using the sizable fancy bathrooms we've already seen two couples hook up in? Why did we just watch an old man urinating? Why did I watch that?

Now your viewer has a new problem. He now cannot fast forward because then he will feel like he actually wanted to watch the old man urinate. Why fast forward on other parts and not fast forward through that scene? He can't stop trying to figure out why he watched an old man urinate into a pail because he does not realize it had nothing to do with the actual act of watching an old man urinate. It was a psychological trick to show him something so out of place, so wrong, that he could not look away.

This is the path you want to take your viewer down. They are now frozen in place, in their chair, and we know what they've been doing while watching pornography. There is no doubt about it. You can see their clammy hands, the sweat on their forehead, the look of shame and embarassment written all over their faces.

This is when you want to throw them a nice, easy pitch. You've already thrown them the mindfuck. This guy is almost catatonic because he can't believe he just intently watched an old man peeing into a bucket. He feels so wrong, but somehow still very much aroused. The writing of the hokey plot elements and dialogue works best when it is perfectly mixed, like a symphonie, with the sex scenes. You have achieved a kind of balance with the sex writer. The viewer cannot look away from your work. You have them riveted, but they hate you. They really hate you. And that is fine, as long as you get your check cut on Wednesday, am I right?

For that nice easy pitch, why don't we go with some dialogue? Shall we?

"Darlene, that is one handsome vase behind you."

"Not as handsome as the handful I have in front of me."

"Make some magic?"

"Thought you'd never ask."

This exciting bit of dialogue will go directly into a sex scene, but what concerns you is creating a feeling in the viewer that he actually gives a shit about the feelings of the characters, what they are going through as they have sex with an old friend from high school, or go down on a teacher who is obviously younger than they are, but we are still supposed to believe he is the teacher.

That scene was written by our sex scene writer, and it could have been done better. As the hokey plot and dialogue writer, you need to stand your ground and make sure your ideas and your take on characters is heard and respected by the director, the actors, and the sex scene writer. You could have established a reason for why the teacher was younger than the student. Why was a 30 year old woman sitting in a grammar school desk, with the attached chair, learning how to use a noun from a nineteen year old guy? It is up to you to iron out these details before they become part of the canon.

Now we need a set-up for a sex scene with a twist. The twist here is going to be that these two old high school friends find out they have a shared fetish, and it is something so far out on a limb, you aren't sure how you can sell it. They are into pouring milk on themselves. And not just "curious" about pouring milk all over themselves, this is their lifestyle and they can't believe their old high school crush is into it as well.

That gives us a bit of something. It gives us some plausibility for the scene, but doesn't rationalize it. What it does is some clever misdirection that has you feeling the emotions of these two porn stars as they find out at the weird high school reunion in an outhouse they went to that their old high school crush is into the same relatively rare fetish they are.

Once that is done, we are going to need another plot twist. Something has to give the viewer a "come down" that turns into a "come up" within a short period of time. Maybe they are both ashamed of their fetish. Maybe everyone at the party blackmails them into having sex with them before they will agree to keep knowledge of the milk fetish a secret. At no point do we examine the absurdity of a couple of people trying to protect their secret about the milk fetish by having sex with everyone at a party.

We want the viewer to skip over that for now, especially if he hasn't spent a cartridge at this point. I mean that in both of the ways you are thinking about right now. Yes, both of those ways. Indeed.

Now, this sex with everyone thing is our climactic scene. We are at climax, but the show can never end on the climactic scene. We have to have a denouement to our story, which will conclude, perplexingly, with an emotionally overwrought scene featuring two characters we saw talking about string on the way to the party, but since they were married and came together, they couldn't have any fun. They were jealous and disappointed.

And then, as the real come down of the story, after the big orgy scene, we have a married couple having very vanilla sex while telling each other that they love them. As if. You are done with this movie. The credits roll.

This is the position you want to get yourself into as a writer of hokey dialogue and plot elements for pornographic movies. You know it is your job to get your viewers to watch the whole movie, from beginning to end, by keeping the story bewildering and infuriating with details no one ever wanted to see if a porno film, such as an old man urinating into a pail. 

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