"Friends, we have gathered here today to mourn. . ."

I didn't want to listen to what he was saying, so I tried to tune him out. What I wanted, for the moment, was to wallow in my misery. I wanted to be sad for every reason, and no reason at all. I wanted to cry until there were no more tears to fall, and when I was done, I wanted to sleep for a very long time. to sleep off the emotional burden and physical weariness. Pretend that I wasn't going to wake up to one more thing, one more thought, one more memory, one more reminder that she was gone.

"You know," he continued, "Without tears, the soul would never know a rainbow. Without rough times, we could never fully appreciate the good ones, the thoughtful moments. Without tears, you would never know hope in all its glory."

There were some nice words about the hope that was brought to us by the love of Jesus, that I only pretended to hear. Other fragments of his prepared speech floated through my mind, and mingled with my own thoughts:

"She was a wonderful sister, daughter. . ." Shut up you fuck! She was Well loved in her community as a stand up citizen, and a generous Person! she was a person!

I didn't say it, I just sat there in the pew, thinking my thoughts, and crying.

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