Yesterday evening I whizzed on my lovely new skirt. I'd been sitting in a field with (male) musician friends and their guitars. The strumming filled the balmy summer air. However, I really needed a piddle. Eventually I had to give in, and scrambled off with a torch and some tissues. I pulled off my knickers and hooked them onto a nearby tree, and went about my business. I thought I'd been careful enough, but it transpired I had in fact splashed my green, pride and joy skirt. Bugger.
It turns out that there's a solution for this:
Weighing in at 15cm (6 inches) in length, and a fraction less in width, The Whiz is a contraption which allows women to wee like men. It looks rather like a plastic funnel. The bowl (tweely referred to as the lily shield) is elongated so as to shadow the shape of a woman's nether regions. The spout is positioned at an angle, and serves as the penis equivalent.
How does it work?
The beauty of The Whiz, it seems to me, is that it can be used without the whizzer having to reveal their bare botty to the rest of the world. The website claims that it's easy to use the device while wearing trousers. Just undo your buttons or fly, and push your pants to one side. Next, slip the lily protector into your trousers. Now all you need to do is position your new, plastic penis so it's pointing somewhere appropriate, and whiz away. Once you've finished, give The Whiz a quick flick to clear out any wee wee clinging to the sides, and put it back in its plastic bag. JudyT tells me there is an American variation on the idea, called Magic Cone. This is made from cardboard, and disposable, which makes The Whiz better for the environment, I suppose.
Why on earth would I want one of those?
So you can go toilet with all the ease of a man, of course! Ever since I was little, and we used to go on family walks through the woods, I've been somewhat jealous of the penis. Whenever a toilet break was needed, dad and brother would stand behind the nearest tree, turn their backs, and return victorious 40 seconds later. For me and mum, meanwhile, relieving ourselves meant a 15 minute adventure: traipsing as far away from the beaten track as possible, clutching tissues and perhaps baby wipes to fastidiously wipe our hands (and more often than not legs) once the ordeal was over. The website suggests that its product is especially useful for women:
- Who are on long car journeys
- Who practise outdoor sports like skiing or rambling
- Who don't fancy peeing when the toilets are more like sewers
- Who are pregnant or suffer from a weak bladder
- Who have male friends who like to sit in the middle of nowhere for hours on end. (Okay, that one comes from me, not the website.)
The Whiz was originally developed for use by bed-ridden
patients in hospital
. It is still available on the NHS
This all sounds a bit silly...does anyone else actually own a Whiz?
Well, yes. In 2003, The Globe put on an all-female performance of Shakespeare's Richard III. Cod pieces were never really designed for women, so nipping for a quick wee between acts proved a little tricky for the actresses involved. Then along came The Whiz! The theatre was impressed with the device, and ordered a whole load more. The Whiz was also a resounding success at The Isle of Wight music festivals in both 2004 and 2005. Witnesses claim to have seen women and men standing side by side out in the open, having a pee. The NME has called The Whiz a "must have" for female festival-goers. There is also a great selection of satisfied customers, telling us how The Whiz has improved their lives, on the website.
In its original form, The Whiz costs £6.80, and there is also a deluxe version which costs a couple of pounds more, and has a special plasma coating, purportedly developed by The Ministry of Defence and The University of Durham. This space-age model repels liquids from its surface, so needs little or no cleaning after use. JBOL, the company behind this idea, is based in Oxford. Check out Wertperch's Freshette for another version of the doodah.
www.whizaway.com , where you can buy your very own Whiz
My mate Katryn who sold these things at The Isle of Wight this year in exchange for a free ticket to the festival.