(This is by Scott Ross
, who is blissfully ignorant of a 512-byte limit)
How to read the Bible and get something out of it.
(What is a "begat"?)
Why I enjoy watching TV more than reading my Bible.
Why the Bible is "politically incorrect."
Things that are not in the Bible.
"God helps those who help themselves."
"The lion and the lamb lie down together."
Adam & Eve ate an apple.
"Spare the rod and spoil the child."
"Money is the root of all evil."
"All things work together for good."
Closing my eyes to pray.
Rebuking the Devil.
Jesus praying for the sick.
Angels playing harps.
Saints sitting on clouds playing harps.
Saint Peter as the heavenly gatekeeper.
Why the real church isn't a take or leave it smorgasbord.
How God will use the church to bring judgment on the world.
(When He gets it fixed)
Why the Holy Spirit came to church last Sunday and couldn't get in.
"No Room at the Inn."
Why the churches are closed at midnight,
However, the bars are open.
Why my mega church feels like a big orphanage.
If our church building fell down,
would we still be a church?
Why the church is people and not a place.
How the Church would be fine,
if it weren't for the people.
How God is going to iron out the "spots and wrinkles" in His Church.
Why character is more than a person on my favorite TV sitcom.
Why the Cross is more than history.
Why the Cross is not neon or jewelry but an offense.
How to carry your cross and die quietly.
Why God doesn't speak in King James English,
with a Southern accent,
even if it sounds that way.
Why the "holy nation" is not the United States.
How to walk in the spirit when my spiritual legs are broken.
How I wrote a check in faith and now I'm believing God for my bail money
Why fellowship is more than the guys getting together and watching football.
What to do when
the formulas fail,
and God doesn't perform the way
He is supposed to.
How to forgive when I don't want to.
Why God doesn't always make sense.
What to do when God goes deaf.
Why God doesn't need permission
before He does something in my life.
If God seems distant...who moved?
What am I missing when?
The blind see,
The deaf hear,
The cripples walk,
The dead are raised,
However, I still have a stress headache?
Why Gus drove into the telephone pole
after he named
healing for his eyes.
How to come to a better understanding of the reality of hell and eternal damnation
as it pertains to the people I love.
The antidote to thinking more highly of yourself than you ought to:
Friends in low places.
Why we "stone people to death"
with the same sin we used to practice.
"The Kingdom of God is in your midst,"
"I don't see anything."
Why if you don't
"Seek first the Kingdom,"
it will not be sought at all.
"My Kingdom is not of this world.
If it were My servants would fight."
If Jesus servants fight, what kingdom do they belong to?
Why some Christians, who feel they are called to eat,
don't believe their stomachs will keep them from the Kingdom of God.
Pastors are people too.
How to act like a:
Who are these titles important to?
How to follow a leader who doesn't know where he's going.
How to love your enemies,
when you don't like many of your (so-called) friends.
Why love without obedience isn't love at all.
How to love
you don't like.
How to love God and like it.
How to lead my wife by serving her.
Admitting I used to know a lot.
How God uses the media to bring judgment on the church.
Why meetings are not more important than my family.
How to be free from attending church meetings
and not feel guilty.
How to sleep on Sunday morning
and not feel guilty.
Why Jesus seldom called meetings.
Why "pew" is often an appropriate name
for some church meetings.
Why a service is not a meeting but an act.
Why "foreign missions" have nothing to do with James Bond.
How to be involved in "foreign missions" and not like foreigners.
Why the "charismatic movement" stopped moving 15 years ago and many haven't noticed it yet.
Why the church needs a spiritual enema.
Why "bowels of mercies," is not down the hall to the left.
My Secret Life
How to walk in the light and keep my deep dark secrets.
How to obey God,
but not my boss.
At red lights.
Why does the church feel it has to impress politicians?
Why does the church allow itself to be defined by political labels?
Why the church is neither liberal nor conservative.
Why being politically correct is often Biblically incorrect.
Praise & Worship
"Let them praise His name in the dance."
What would happen to my church membership if I did this on Sunday morning?
What would we sing if God required our hymns of us?
Should we be singing hymns and songs we don't mean?
How to sing a new song you have never heard before.
Why the God who created rhythm doesn't hate pop music.
After a seven course church supper:
"Bless all that is within me."
How to pray and get something out of it,
but not what we expected.
How to pray without whining.
How God answered my prayers through silence.
How I prayed for a Mercedes and got a rusty truck.
Why we are praying about things that don't matter to God.
What to do when we "agreed together" in prayer;
however, God didn't agree with us.
How to pray
when you don't know how,
don't want to,
don't feel like it.
Why Jesus did not pray for the sick.
Why preachers yell when they preach.
Why louder is not more inspired.
Why preacher's voices change when they preach?
Why plastic pulpits are a barrier between preachers and people.
How to tell the difference between show biz and some TV preachers.
Why we are preaching about things that don't matter.
Why hairspray is not the anointing.
Why do we major in minors?
Would you still give your life to Jesus
if you knew you would lose your life for doing so?
Whatever happened to simplicity in Christ?
Why do we remember pain more than pleasure?
Whatever happened to
Why we don't admit what we said
when God hasn't spoken.
Where did all the prophets go?
Would Elijah sell his prophecies at $10.00 per tape?
How to make your quiet time not so quiet.
Praise the Lord:
Sing to the Lord.
Sing for joy.
Shout to the Lord.
Make a joyful noise to the Lord.
tambourines, cymbals, flutes,
and stringed instruments.
Clap your hands.
Cry out to the Lord.
Dance before Him.
How not to be bitter,
angry or hurt,
after being rejected.
How to live with unspoken disapproval.
How to understand misunderstanding.
Why betrayal is an inside job.
How to love those who betrayed you.
The calling of a busybody:
"God told me to tell you."
Why "joint members" are not people who smoke pot.
Why I am not called to fight my brothers.
How to please the Lord without tap dancing.
How to be holy without being religious.
How to live in spiritual reality without being religious.
How to speak in "christianeze,"
and not know what you're saying,
acting like you do.
How to use Christian buzz words and phrases,
and not mean a word you're saying, i.e.
"God bless you."
"I'll pray for you." (When?)
"Do you have the victory?"
"Are you an overcomer?"
Are you born again...again?
Have you gone forward?
I see that hand.
Is there a body attached?
Are you backslidden or sliding?
How to fight with other Christians before a watching world and
"defending the faith."
Why calling one another,
"brother & sister"
is religious language
for not knowing each other's name.
Why lying on your face before the Lord is actually sleeping.
How to heal religious pride:
where you were,
what you were doing
when God apprehended you.
How to repent again when it didn't work the first time.
I wanted it,
but now that I have it,
where do I go to give it back?
Why the resurrection is more than history.
How to open "the garden of your heart,"
after having it crushed by a "friend."
How to follow on
when you don't know where you're going.
How I'll lay my life down for my wife;
except when the game's on.
The Second Coming
(As I understood it)
Is the Rapture a rupture?
Why the Second Coming theology was not written by Walt Disney.
Why Jesus isn't coming back
until the Jews "get the message."
Why I know Jesus isn't coming back tonight:
He's coming for a Bride not a harlot.
3.6 billion people have not heard the gospel.
The Single Life
Why being single is not a disease.
A power outage during the World Series or Super Bowl.
Why the supernatural is being demonstrated on the
"Psychic Friends Network"
and not in my church.
How to know the "fellowship of His suffering,"
but not too much.
How to know the reality of my daily cross
and self denial;
as long as it doesn't interfere with my lifestyle.
Why I accept Jesus as Savior
but not as Lord.
How to understand the consequences of sin,
for somebody else.
Why we beat up homosexuals
How to weep between the porch and the altar;
when I don't have a porch.
How to earn over a hundred thousand a year,
drive a BMW,
move into a bigger house in the right neighborhood,
be a servant.
How to have upward mobility and humble myself.
How to practice righteousness,
when I don't know the definition of the word.
How to enjoy the dealings of God.
How to be a fool for Christ and like it.
How to be childlike without being childish.
How to "be of no reputation,"
when you've worked all your life to have a good one.
How to compete and prefer one another simultaneously.
How to resolve the disparity between,
"Freely you have received freely give,"
Teaching tapes, (audio $5.95; video $19.95)
Books, (with an autograph party)
A pre-conference special at $150.00,
"How Do the Poor Pay?"
Why having a broken and contrite spirit scares me.
Tongues of Fire
Gossip, slander, backbiting.
Asking the pastor's wife
if the pastor practices what he preaches at home.
How to not enjoy watching someone get their due,
when you know they deserve it.
Do they write evangelistic articles and publish them in Christian
Do they produce evangelistic TV programs and air them on Christian television?
Do they produce evangelistic radio programs and air them on Christian radio stations?
Do they write evangelistic songs about giving your life to Jesus and sing them to Christians?
Do they write evangelistic books and put them only in Christian bookstores?
Why did the pastor run away with the organist and her organ?
Why is reading this stuff making me mad?
-- © 1999, Scott Ross