The river ran cool, quiet, calm. The water lapped at our hips, as we stood, facing each other on this cloudless night. All I could make of your form was a silhouette, outlined by starlight. It seemed a halo embraced you - not quite touching, but your skin must have felt something, because you shivered. In the darkness, it was impossible to pick the features of your face, your body, your eyes.
But I saw every pore of your skin. Every feature was burnt into my memory, nothing was hidden from my eyes. If a drop of water fell from an eyelash, tracing a line down your cheek....I would have known.
Insects sang on the riverbank, a blanket of white noise through the air that surrounded us. Night birds lifted their wings, clawing at the sky in small explosions of sound, their cries tearing through the silence.
They weren't really there. All I heard was the air, gently drawn into your lungs as you breathed.
And the river's waters gently flowed, wrapping around the two of us. Forming small twisting whirlpools, before dissolving to nothing more than a memory. I'm awakened from this dream, by the soft sound of your voice.
"What are you thinking?"
And the river churns, as the waters rise, and I'm hit by a tidal wave.
My mouth is confused, as a hundred different words try to form at the same time, each one cut short by the realisation that they're not enough. Words can never be enough to answer this.. How do I tell you that when you're away, my body shakes. And I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it. If I don't allow this energy to escape, it will build...and build...and I can't control it. I don't want to control it.
Can I ever make you understand that every time I think of you, I smile. But it's so much more than that. Do you realise that the curl of my mouth, the softening of my eyes, is simply the tiniest physical symptom of something that builds inside of me, and it's so warm, and I can't describe it. I want to, so badly...but I don't want to fumble my words at this moment.
Does it make sense to you, that right now, I want to be driving, with you by my side...so fast, my foot to the floor as the car gathers speed. Faster than I've ever been before. Because it's the only way I know how to keep pace with the energy in my mind, the furiously racing thoughts that whip through me, daring to be captured. Always just a bit to quick to grab.
How can I make any explanation not hurt you, when I tell you that I would take on any amount of your pain. I would bleed myself dry, leave nothing of myself behind, if with the last blink of my eyes I could just see that you were going to be alright. Even if I knew it would hurt you at the time, I'd do it, safe with the knowledge that you could go on, and that with time the pain might fade. How do I say that I wouldn't hesitate?
And no more than a second has passed, the words from your lips barely having the chance to fade into the night.
"I'm thinking that I love you"
And I wonder....do you hear the echo of the lie as it passes my lips....
As I try try to sum up everything in a three word phrase..
But three words could never be adequate to describe all I feel. No three words could describe all of this.
They're not enough.