A little background information: Liberty is my high school, Edinboro is the butt ugly campus that we stay at every year for band camp. I have changed my name to protect... well... me. Enjoy.
Welcome to Band Camp 1999.
As you are all new to the Liberty Band experience, and all of you (hopefully) have never been to Edinboro University before, you are all probably unfamiliar with the extensive rules and regulations of Edinboro U. We try to maintain a professional atmosphere at band camp and these rules, some Liberty, some Edinboro, some federal, and others United Nations injunctions, will help to retain the discipline, respect, and dignity of the Edinboro band camp experience.
- The Edinboro campus is, and always will be, a completely self contained and sovereign political entity. Any attacks upon the sovereignty of Edinboro U. will be met with severe punishment by the UN peace keeping force. This is a very serious international law and any violations will result in being sent to your room.
- Being a state of the art campus, the Edinboro physics department is home to a Tokamak fusion reactor. From time to time, the magnetic containment field will overload and the entire campus will be flooded with lethal gamma rays. If this occurs all you need to do is duck and cover. Earp hall is a federally registered nuclear shelter and all seniors rooms are shielded in lead.
- To get federal funds, the entire Edinboro campus has been designated as a nuclear waste dump. This explains those guys in bunny suits. No matter how much fun it may be, pretending to rip holes in their suits is unacceptable.
- Because of the waste dump status, all ground water is contaminated with Uranium-238. Therefore, there will be no swimming in lake Edinboro, no matter how cool the glowing water looks. Anyone caught attempting to turn themselves into a superhero will be promptly removed from campus. No exceptions.
- The Edinboro International Airport is completely off limits to freshman. Anyone caught buying tickets to anywhere even remotely cool will be kicked off of the campus and their tickets will become property of the SSC (Senior Suntan Club)
- There will be no violations of ITAR Import/Export regulations. Anyone attempts to import Cuban cigars, missiles or ideology to the Edinboro campus will be shot. Sorry.
- The abstract sculpture near the playground is a brilliant work of art. Noone will be permitted to play on, spit at, or curse this sculpture. Anyone who figures out what the hell it is will be awarded a lifetime membership to the nickel club.
- No running in the Edinboro Museum of American Art. You might damage one of the infinitely valuable paintings.
- There will be no mocking the dumb expression of the guy on the mural in the cafeteria. He is one of the founding fathers of Edinboro University and stands for all of its students. Mental retardation is not a joke.
- There will be no goats, cows, chicken, horses or other farm animals permitted in freshman rooms. Even if you have a stable in your suite. This is a spacing issue.
- There will be no belittling, demeaning, or making fun of pi or any other transcendental numbers. If you do, fustflum (name changed!) will have to karatesize your a**.
- If you encounter a student of Edinboro campus, do not mock the athletics department. Everyone, even the Fighting Seats, has an off century.
- Freshman are not permitted to shave. This is a cleanliness issue.
- There will be no creation or deployment of chemical, biological or nuclear weapons of mass destruction. The United Nations Weapons Inspection Team is accurate and through.
- Do not mock the baseball teams fabulous 0-54 record last season... it's not their fault noone bothered to try out.
- Do not bother the old man in the house across from the practice field. While this is not a violation of Edinboro law and the seniors will not do anything, he has been known to carry a gun.
- Do not even think of leaving silverware on your plate when you turn it in. If you do, we cannot help you and may whatever god you believe in have mercy on your soul.
- Never, I repeat, Never venture out of the protected borders of Edinboro U. There are some wild Amish people in Edinboro, PA who will try to sell you cocaine.
- There will be no attempts to visit the other band dorms. This is like looking through that little annoying curtain separating coach from first class. Except for the fact that we are in the storage bins.
- Anyone caught lowering morale will be given a public flogging and the whole band will have to listen to a lecture on the importance of fun.
- Freshman have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you on skit night.
- There will be no attempts to mark food and then throw it out. No matter what you have heard, the pizza is not recycled. Still, it is recommended that you avoid the cafeteria at night, especially if you are ripe and plump.
- Kryptonite does not hurt 99 percent of the seniors.
- Freshman are not permitted to make MS (Multiple Sclerosis) puns. Most of them would be awful and someone could get hurt.
- Freshman are not permitted to even look at the senior side of the bathroom. The sauna is broken anyway.
--Given from me, to the freshman of the 1999-2000 Liberty Golden Leopards Marching Band right before band camp.
A valuable part of the Noding things you've written before project.