The song “Wash Away Those Years” is a Creed song. It was written by Mark Tremonti and Scott Stapp. I don’t really know what the song was written about, but I know what feelings, thoughts, and memories it can elicit.

She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns

Anyone who has read much of my writing knows I have struggled with mental illness. It seems that ill people find ill people. There are many secrets locked away in a lot of people’s heads, secrets they could never even dream to tell anyone with their voice. Sometimes, there are many secrets even the person doesn’t know, at least not consciously. Online, I have begun to speak. I’ve read a lot, lots of personal stories are on the internet, and I have become friends with many people who have opened up through their keyboards. Talking through a keyboard makes it possible to be true to the self. It seems there are many people like this, who find the keyboard easier than the voice.

She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on

Depending on how you define the terms you could say that she has been raped, molested and abused on multiple occasions. Some of the abuse happened as part of the earliest memories, some possibly even before that. Some happened in the adulthood. Abuse is a topic that is very, very difficult for anyone to talk about. When the abuse occurs at an early age, and memories become jumbled and forgotten it becomes an even more frightening thing to speak about.

She only ever explained one incident to me ever. As I’ve heard other abuse victims describe it, it can be like a video of the incident playing in your head, over and over. The one incident she described, she said she was big enough that she was too big to fit in the Fisher Price Cozy Coupe1 but still small enough that the bed she was pressed up against and onto seemed really tall. It was during the one and only time she had been left with someone outside the family. Normally she was left with her grandparents.

Sometime during the day the children were playing in the house. “The boy” as he is always called in her mind, took her in a bedroom. Although the memory ends just before the actual abuse, a strange thing occurred at the moment the memory ends. It seems that the “birth” of an “alter” has been pinpointed to this very moment.

Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years

She seems to be afraid to sleep, she says she has nightmares. Sexual abuse often leads to psychological disorders, such as PTSD and DID, among others. It is not uncommon for survivors of abuse to use self-injury as a coping mechanism. These people are not hopeless, however. There are a lot of websites with the sole purpose of helping these people heal. If you were abused, you do not have to live in secrecy. Sexual abuse does not even mean you can never have a normal sex life. Many people who have been raped have gone on to enjoy sex later on. It is possible, but one must remember that everyone heals in his or her own time.

My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone

Self injury, most commonly cutting, is used as a way to control feelings. Most people who self injure are said to have Borderline Personality Disorder, I believe this is the only diagnosis that specifically uses self-injurious behavior as a diagnostic criteria. Sometimes other forms of injury such as cigarette burns are used. It appears that blood is a good measure of pain. There is a good book, well there are several good books on the subject, but off the top of my head I can think of A bright red scream. It helps clarify some of the misconceptions people have and points to treatment possibilities.

1. Thank you momomom for finding the name of the toy.

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