I have been a vegetarian for twenty years now, and take most of it for granted. I also live in the city of Portland and it is currently the year 2008, which means most of the people around me are used to vegetarians, and if I do get questioned, it is often by vegans who want to know why I am making Gaia cry by consuming dairy and eggs. And yet, there is still one untrue, insidious myth about vegetarians that persists: that vegetarians are for some reason into "eating healthy". For me, being a vegetarian is not about eating overpriced and exotic vegetables, it is about eating as many starches and salts as I can, without eating any animals. It is for such like minded vegetarians that I present the Vegetarian Ham and Egg Muffin.

Put the butter in a frying pan, and melt it. Crumble the mushrooms, and sprinkle them, together with the needed spices into the frying pan, and heat them for a few minutes. Then, turn up the heat, crack the eggs and scramble them. While they are scrambling, eat the muffins, ham and cheese until they are fairly melty. If they are synched up correctly, you can add the scrambled eggs to the inside of the muffins just as they are correctly heated. Eat, enjoying the salty, spicy, starchy goodness. Goes well with a cinnamon roll and a caffeinated, aspartame-flavored beverage.

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