Does your cat seem uninterested in the outside world? Does it keep to itself, even to the point of ignoring the allergic guy? Do you envy people who have dogs who chase their own tails? It's the old stockbroker syndrome, the suburban fin de siècle ennui, angst, weltschmerz, call it what you will.1

Get a laser pointer! Dollar store laser pointers are cheaper than dirt, and do the job swimmingly. You can buy a handful and give them to your friends with cats.

Basic Cat Confusing

That laser's dot should trace around on the floor. Try to mimic the movements of a flying insect. At this point your cat should frantically chase the dot. This, I'm sure, you will find humourous. After a while, the cat may get inattentive and give up.

Advanced Cat Confusing

It's likely that the cat has not actually given up. Like most cats, Felis domesticus is an ambush hunter; they spy their prey, take a hidden position, and remain quite motionless, waiting for the right moment to pounce with great vigor. Use this tendency to your advantage. Using slow movements, serenely dangle the dot just in front of your kitty (which will probably be crouching, waiting for a weakness to show itself in its prey). Make sure that the cat has a good bead on the dot, and then make the dot flee in terror. The cat should be back in full predator mode, which is good for another few minutes of pursuit.

Now, I will switch to bullet points because it's easy to organise information and annoys the French.

More Fun and Useful Things

  • Put the dot on the cat's own hindquarters. If you do this right you can make the cat chase its own ass until it falls down, dizzy.
  • Make the dot vanish. The cat "kills" the dot, greatly confusing the cat.
  • Use the dot to lead the cat. You can steer the cat around the room, or even into other rooms. This is handy to stow your cat without manhandling it. You can also use this technique to get a shy cat out from under the couch.
  • Make the cat climb walls. Putting the dot on places where the kitty can't get to will give you an enthused display of feline acrobatics.
  • Make the cat attack your girlfriend's leg. Maybe she'll pay more attention to you instead of that damned reality TV show where Paris Hilton breaks shit. God! I'm telling you, this has to stop! What am I doing with my life?

Points for Further Investigation

  • Do green lasers work better than red lasers?
  • Will having two lasers change things?
  • Will having two cats change things?

1Apologies to Monty Python

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