Dear former citizen of the United States of America:
In an effort to equalize the playing field in the global community
it has been deemed necessary to rename your nation the United States
of North America. As you have lived in this country your whole
life, you may be surprised to learn that there are, in fact, two
continents with the name America; the one in which you reside is
North America, and another one called South America which is
due south of North America. Furthermore you might be astounded
to learn that there is a bridge of land connecting the two continents,
perhaps confusingly, for you, called Central America. Within these
continents are nations, some of which are divided into entities quite
like your "states." Thus in the literal sense yours is not
the only country which is a united set of states in the Americas.
Therefore, while the name United States of America does accurately
describe your country, it is not precise enough, as it could also
describe other places.
Although this lack of precision
has not caused a single incident of confusion,
the global community thinks this change in name is necessary to
force you self-titled "Americans" to stop being so self-centered.
You should look outside your borders and learn something about the
people of the world. Don't generalize and make stereotypes, as all you
Merkins are wont to do. This is why everyone hates you.
You clearly need to be taught a lesson, calling yourselves simply the
United States of America, who do you think you are in the first place?
As if you'd be the only ones. So what if you were first?
It was really silly of you to choose a descriptive name for your
nation in the first place. If you want to avoid further troubles, maybe
you should pre-emptively change your nation's name to Sam.
Let me close this letter by thanking you for accepting this change.
I hope you've learned that national pride leads to hegemonism
(unless you live in Europe, Asia, Central America, South America,
Oceania, Africa, Mexico or Canada).
The World (minus you)
P.S. It may comfort you to know we are considering other new name changes:
the People's Republic of China would be more accurately named the
Chinese People's Republic of Red China, the Central African Republic
would be known as the Central African Republic north of the
Democratic Republic of the Congo, which in turn would be renamed
Democratic Republic of the Congo (the nation, not the river),
the Democratic People's Republic of Korea
would become the Democratic North Korean People's Republic of North Korea,
and the Republic of Korea would become the Republic of South Korea; but really
these countries don't annoy us like yours does.
For the love of Pete, it's satire.