To the proud new owner
Congratulations on your purchase of the UBTA9000, otherwise known as the Ultimate Bazooka of Thermonuclear Apocalypse. With its sleek, ergonomic design and its smooth firing mechanism, it's not hard to see why our reviewers were blown away by our device. Please take a few moments to familiarise yourself with this weapon and read the following documentation - it may just prevent you from disassociating yourself from your component atoms.
Included in the packaging
Included in your package, you should find:
A note on environmental safety
Here at Apocalypse, Inc. we believe very strongly in protecting the environment for the environment's sake (and not because doing so affords us a nice tax break). As a result, when the UBTA9000 is not destroying civilisations, planets or even entire solar systems, it is absolutely ecologically friendly in all major biomes with a planetary albedo of 0.7 or less on the Mac-Leyerton scale.
A word on firepower
While the firing mechanism for the UBTA9000 is fairly intuitive, you may find it worth your while to acquaint yourself with some of the additional firing modes available.
One of the new modes available is the litigation mode. While the UBTA9000 is very good at destroying civilisations, the destruction of all lawyers within the civilisation cannot be guaranteed. As a result, (and to prevent lawsuits against Apocalypse Inc.) the new litigation mode is capable of issuing golden timepieces to lawyers, a method guaranteed to send them off into retirement, where they are unlikely to pose any serious threat.
Another firing mode popular with our design team was the shoe attack mode, capable of removing even insectoid life that has survived the aftermath of the UBTA9000. By use of forcefields and holograms, this extension "creates" a giant boot, which is used to stamp out any insect life.
Note to insectoid lifeforms: Because the UBTA9000 determines species by means of gene-sequencing (except in the case of amorphs) it is not recommended that you use this firing mode! Being buried in a pizza box tends to cause undue stress and tension between Apocalypse Inc. and our shareholders.
If this firing mode is not large enough to destroy the insectoid lifeform, you are strongly advised to evacuate the area - anything tough enough to survive a nuclear blast and large enough to withstand the UBTA9000 shoe attack is probably not something you want be near.
Please note that an abridged version of this disclaimer follows below
We have better lawyers than you do. They have shiny shoes, thin briefcases and even thinner smiles. You may not realise it, but the contract you signed when you purchased the Ultimate Bazooka of Thermonuclear Apocalypse allows us legal claim over your body, mind and soul for the rest of eternity. You do not own the UBTA9000, you rent it from us, and in no way should you ever indicate otherwise, to anyone. It is by our good grace that you are allowed to use this weapon, and our grace is not that good. Should the UBTA9000 fail to work, or even destroy you, your family, your planet, your solar system or even the entire galaxy, you will die with words of gratitude to Apocalypse Inc. on your lips or other oratory orifice, or you will find that death is no release. Each and every day (or 24 standard hour period should your current place of residence fail to coincide with standard norms of "day") you will sing words of praise to Apocalypse Inc. or you will be transported into the nearest star without the aid of any protective gear. Please do not make the mistake of trying to attack us with your UBTA9000 - the last life form that tried is now smeared across 11 dimensions, along with his friends, family, and the rest of his species. Remember the Xinchanu? Exactly.
Abridged Disclaimer Follows
You are now our bitch.