Two Gentlemen on Veronica

Morning in the front lobby of our dot-com. A POLICE OFFICER is talking to HELMUT and NERDQUO. They stand near an unattended RECEPTION DESK, on which sits a box of DONUTs. In the background a blanket-covered shape lies in a decorative fountain, the whole surrounded by yellow police tape.

Police Officer
Pray thee, depart not this county's borders 'fore
The facts of this calamity are fully known.
It seems a misadventure, yet until
The coroner can rule we entertain
The spectre of foul play.
I must go write reports, and so adeiu.

Exuent Fuzz, stage left.

HELMUT and NERDQUO move to center stage, the light over the body fades out slowly.

They buy your clever tale, but we will see
Some Quincy type will do an autopsy.
He'll find the fax-print in poor Probo's head
And think "Perhaps the victim was already dead
Before he took that plunge three stories down
Headfirst into the fountain, there to drown."
It's all good, my dear friend Nerdquo, do not fear.
The fuzz saw what we wanted them to, here.
Veronica's scheme came off just as planned.
The waxy floor, the deadly plunge to land
In that damned fountain, bought as you recall
With what should have been our bonus, back last fall.
Sweet irony! And now nought's in the way
Of making back ten thousand times our pay!
Darling Veronica's the girl to see
That we will win the dot com lottery
And I control her reigns, my bridle's lust.
If she wants more, and believe you me, she must
She won't betray us. She's fallen 'neath my spell.
Nerdquo (interrupting)
You think that reassures me? Go to hell!
Damn you, your pecker and that craven slut!
I wish we'd never seen her shapely butt
Sashay its way in here. We've been snared!
And she's not thought of us, no, if she'd cared
We'd not have just been grilled by Homicide.
Helmut, we're cooked. Baked! Boiled! Sauteed! And fried!
Bah! Get thee to a terminal, do some work, if thou remembers how.

Exuent NERDQUO, stage left.

HELMUT moves to stage right, a light comes on to show VERONICA working at a terminal.

Your constabulary chat went well, I trust?
That's good. When this completes, I must
Begone. We must begone, I mean, my Helmut dear.
I've just been booking our flight out of here.
You're packed for travel?
              Yes, it's in the car.
But what of Nerdquo? He can't travel far
From aged parents dear, with whom he dwells.
If he remains behind, what if he tells?
It is a heavy risk, he's terrified.
In that case, Helmie-poo, it's time he died.
No! Nerdquo is my friend, a pal most dear
We've worked here, side by side, for half a year!
Experienced the roller coaster ride
Of our share values, watched them rise and slide.
He cannot die, life's journey unexplored!
A pale and sickly life, shown by his hoard
Of porn, his harem fine, burned on CD.
Killing him would set his spirit free!
Face it, he's naught but life's hope unfullfilled
Its paegant carries on, once he's been killed.
Nay! Probostickus' death delights me not.
And yet the portly prick earned what he got.
Nerdquo's done nothing wrong, to earn this fate.
My god, the fellow's never had a date!
Much less a chance to sip life's nectar sweet
From fleshy chalices, or feel the heat
'Tween fair maid's thighs. I pray thee, let him live!
I'd hoped your little friend would flee the state
Or hole up in his bed to masturbate
'Till this blows over, but that cannot be.
You have a choice - kill him, and fly with me
To Mexico to lie on beaches fair
Rich and happy, free from earthly care
Or stay behind, try to protect your chum.
I'll leave you with a nice cork for your bum.
He'll turn state's evidence, and you will go
To the big house, to room with Little Joe
The carjacker, who'll take you for his bride
In a small cell that has no place to hide...
Enough! Enough! I'll do your grisly deed.
Be ready to move fast if I succeed
I'll hide his body well, after he's dead
The cops will look for him and think he's fled
From the first crime. Give me a kiss for luck!

Exuent Helmut.

Good luck indeed, my 'lover', pressed by fate
Against my bosom. Soon it's time to end
That sad charade as well. New shores do beckon
Calling me across the rolling waves
Into uncharted waters and new lands.
No way some lame ass web developer
Will squire my arm about sun dappled streets.
Secure with fortune vast and gains ill-got
I'll sample the delights in settings fair
Investing from offshore whilst young, buff studs
And comely maidens fan me with palm fronds.
Ah, the Internet. A tool for grift so vast
And so convenient, too, how could a lass
Like me resist it? I only hope Helmut
Can pull this off. As pulling off's his thing
I can but hope he'll do it right, and quickly.


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