If you find yourself stuck in an elevator, forest, parking garage, salon, etc. with a woman having a baby (and I mean this sucker's coming out now) there are a few things you should know. It is essential to create the most sterile field possible. You can use things such as a newspaper (opened to the inside, which is relatively clean), a blanket that has been folded for a while, the inside of a jacket, or anything that isn't exposed to a lot of germs. Put your "sterile field" underneath the laboring woman's ass. Encourage her to push, and try to calm her with reassuring words. Avoid phrases such as, "Oh my God, what the fuck am I doing," "What in God's name is that," and "HOLY LIVING FUCK, WE'RE FUCKED!"

If the pushing is successful, you are about to be holding a newborn, and these things are slippery. Prepare to hold on, and have a good grip (mind his little fontanel). Newborns have stuff in their noses and mouths; after all, they have been floating in amniotic fluid for a long time. Don't hold it upside down by its feet, but facilitate it's breathing by tilting it to the side and allowing the fluid to drain. In a hospital the stuff would be sucked out with a bulb syringe, but this is probably not something you keep in your purse or wallet unless you have small children.

It isn't over yet -- you must deliver the placenta. The baby is still connected to it by the umbilical cord. The placenta usually delivers shortly after the baby. If you don't have sterile scissors and a clamp (and you don't) do not cut the umbilical cord; you will cause more harm than good. It is okay to leave the umbilical cord intact and attached to the placenta until you can get to the hospital. If you are stuck in a cold environment, wrap the placenta up with the newborn. This will help keep the baby warm. Newborns lose heat fast and can go into respiratory distress if they get too cold. Wrap the baby up snug, and haul ass to the nearest medical facility -- then (assuming it was a successful delivery) you can go brag to your friends.

Although this is useful information, reading it does not qualify you to deliver babies -- in other words, don't try this at home.

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