Having lived with my girlfriend for some time now, it has come to my attention that, like some types of dogs, woman moult almost continously. Of course, the comparison with dogs ends here, as women are highly unlikely to lick their crotches or try to hump your leg. At least, the type of women I know are highly unlikely to do so; those of you who have been to Amsterdam will probably know differently. But I digress.
Trying to remove said hair from, let's say, your shower drain, is a procedure not so much disgusting as ball-shrinkingly horrific. It's not just the texture. It's not just the smell. It's the texture, and the smell and the somewhat odd feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've managed to swallow some. Suffice to say that both rubber gloves and some kind of braai tongs are almost a prerequisite; attempting to do so with (God forbid) your bare hands will almost certainly lead to involuntary reflex gastric upchucking.
In any case, once you've actually removed the strange knot of both slimy and prickly hair from its snug lair two centimetres beyond the reach of any implement you may have in the house, the problem remains of what to do with the damn stuff now that you have it.
It makes absolutely no sense to flush it away; this will only lead to blocked drains and further adventures in snorkeling through raw sewage. You could try throw it in the bin, but in my experience, this will inevitably lead to heartache when your deranged Scottish garbage men invariably find a bag full of hair and have you arrested under suspicion of being...well...suspicious.
No, this problem needs a creative solution. And so, after years and years of dedicated research by the greatest minds of our generation (or at least twenty minutes yesterday by me and my mate Guy, who was, admittedly, drunk), I give you 10 things to do with hair you find in your drain. I was going to start from number 10, so as to inject some excitement into the proceedings, but I don't know the HTML.
- Make a crucifix. If you need a reason, you probably shouldn't be reading this.
- Train it to do household chores. Make her hair work for you!
- Tie it into a rope, and make an alternate way into your 2nd floor apartment.
- Create a trendy belt. Hey, if it's good enough for Dolce and Gabbana, it's good enough for you.
- Guy spilled beer on this, so all that is left of this point is the word 'garotte'. Interesting.
- Make a wig and pretend to be your girlfriend. (At this point, we were running a little low on inspiration and some of Guy's more radical ideas were accepted.)
- Two words: willy warmer.
- Give it its own username and password on E2, and let it write articles on 'Hair: The Motion Picture' and 'Grease'. Downvote, obviously.
- Boil it in toffee and sell it as 'Hair Sweets: The flavour's in the follicles!'
- After a long argument, Guy wanted to add the words 'Hairy Krishna', but I told him that wouldn't cut it with the discerning E2 crowd. So we decided to leave this to your imagination.
Go on! Be daring! Use hair to the fullest.
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