I've been undergoing several crises
lately, over spirituality
, the nature of life
itself, and personality, among other things. Needless to say, my life's been more fun than a barrel of monkeys
as of late . I think my personality crisis
has been at least partially solved.
My personality has seemed to have been shifting from one type to another, much like a pendulum swinging, only this pendulum stops for long enough to make me think that I'm finally stable, whereupon it begins shifting once again. I'd think I was bipolar if it wasn't such a slow change (generally going from personality a to personality b over the course of a month).
Besides this, I have ADD. I take medication for it (Adderall, to be exact). It works, but side effects do occur. By use of it, I'm less restless and distractable, and my mind wanders less. This is a mixed blessing. Having one's mind wander can be a very good thing, as can distractablitity. I find that I'm less creative when on medication.
At any rate, I've been having troubles differentiating between myself when I'm on Adderall, and myself when I'm not. I'm not sure what the "real me" is; even more than usual.
However, today I remembered something from Neil Gaiman's Sandman series. I believe Delerium (how appropriate) was speaking to Destiny. Dream had just broken down, and Delerium changed herself to a more stable self:
Delerium: Do you know why I stopped being Delight, my brother?
Delerium: I do. There are things not in your book. There are paths outside this garden. You would do well to remember that.
Destiny: It is... refreshing.. to see you so collected.
Delerium: Stick it. Coins have two sides.
I am not one side of the pendulum, or the other. I simply am the pendulum. No more, no less. A pendulum affected by drugs, perhaps, but I still swing, I can not help this.
I know what I am.
I am I.