Is a Harry Potter, allegedly, fan fiction in 47 or so destined never to end, misspelt, arse-pulled, Mary Sue-infested, pointless, hateful chapters entitled My Immortal. The author was on fanfiction.net and called "xxxbloodyrists666xxx" (sic) or one Tara Gilesbie, but has now been banned and her works excised from said site. Unfortunately for her, and everyone else with a brain, My Immortal has now been spread round the internet over 9000 times since then.
It can't be that bad, surely, I hear you ask.
IT IS THAT BAD.
You have no idea how truly and unutterably irredeemable this fic is. It is worse than William McGonagall. It is worse than Plan 9 from Outer Space. It is worse than The Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience. It is worse than haemorrhoids. Worse than haemorrhoids on your FACE, even. It truly is Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings bad.
does not exist follows the adventures of a 17 year old Mary Sue goff at Hogwarts called, erm, Ebony Dark'nesse Dementia Raven Way, aka Enoby, Enony, Eboby, Egogy, Evony, Enovy, Enema, Erection, Etc. She is not only a Mary Sue but a Mary Sue Singularity - anyone who comes into contact with her becomes a full 3.5% more insufferably perfect.
"Why am i so butiful?" I cried suicidally.
See what I mean.
Anyhow, Enoby, who has black hair and eyes like "limpid tears" does... well, not all that much, really. She exists, gives shit to "preppz," shags Draco Malfoy and also Harry himself, who is now a slytherin and a vampire called Vampire, and that's about it really, and goes to emo concerts. And attempts suicide, usually as a cry for help. And has a friend called Willow who is based on the author Tara's mate Raven, and who gets explosively killed off when the two of them have a barney and then miraculously reappears. Much ink and/or webspace is spilt with Enoby crying about how great she is, generally having everyone love her unconditionally and so forth. Apparently she's also a Stanist (???) and... I think if I try to explain the plot any further I might just haemorrhage my pancreas.
The fic becomes increasingly misspelled over time and each chapter begins with more insufferable author's notes saying that anyone who righteously slammed her GODAWFUL attempt at writing is obviously a "prep" and she isn't going to updayte ne more til itz all fixd. Oh, and FANGS to all the "goffik" people who helped her.
I think there is an ending. Well there's two. One, Chapter 39, was a hacker breaking into her account and slaying Enoby righteously. And there was much rejoicing. The other was a number of painful chapters later and I would have to read past the first few pages to find out. It is so dire it is unbelievable.
There are several dramatic readings of it on Youtube. Try one, they're brilliant.
But the main question for me is, is it real or is it troll? If it's real, the author should be tracked down and stabbed in the heart until she is very unhappy. If it is troll, the author should be given the Légion d'Honneur for services to lulz. I think it is troll and here are my reasons:
- "Eyes like limpid tears." Most teenage fanfiction writers don't use such quality similes.
- The fact it gets increasingly poorly spelt. Most people, even really shit fanfic writers, don't get worse at spelling as they go along - and poor spelling is stereotypical bad fanfic material.
- Some of the misspellings are in fact other words that mean different things, but which make sense, sort of, anyhow. Take, for instance, the quote "He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy. "Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111" I screemed passively as he got an eructation." You ASSUME the author means "erection." But that would genuinely make no sense in the context of that bit. And anyhow, the U key is nowhere near any of the other letters in the first half of "erection." The only reason someone's finger goes over to the U key in the first half of that word is deliberately. And also, an "eructation" is an explosive belch. So that quote means that he was belching heartily during jiggy beast. Surely this is a nod to trolldom; no real awful fanfic author would make such a typo.
- The author does not know what a Mary Sue is and says as much. Most people who write Mary Sue fics generally try to defend their characters rather than plead ignorance.
- Oh, and occasionally other characters refer to the protagonist as "Tara." This one's a dead giveaway, surely.
I'd write more, but my brain might try to make a run for it.
Still, awful as it is, it is a full 3% better written than Twilight.
(IRON NODE 4 of 30.)