The war was very short. In fact, it all happened while God was eating breakfast. It was Special K Red Berries with some strawberry jam mixed it. It was a Holy breakfast. It all started when He woke up.
“LUCIFER? YOU ARE EARLY. NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENS UNTIL AFTER BREAKFAST.”
Lucifer made a sweeping bow.
“I do try to be punctual.
“YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT THEN.”
“If you wish my lord.”
Lucifer gestures toward the window.
“However, I am not the only one who is ‘early’.”
The rebellious half of the host was assembled in the courtyard, brandishing swords. Blocking their path into the house of God was the other half, the loyal half of the hosts, also brandishing swords. They were standard issue.
“As you can see, we’re all early.”
“THEN YOU SHALL ALL HAVE TO WAIT.”
“We don’t listen to you anymore. Brothers, let’s begin early.”
Both sides rushed in, eager to be able to claim the first hit.
As wars went, this was an awkward one. Beyond the fact that both sides looked exactly alike, no matter what each side said, angels can’t die. I mean, yeah, swords can do a lot of damage, but they can’t kill an angel. They kind of bounce off and leave everything numb. And that’s only if you get a good swing going, which is hard in a riotous mob. Mostly the war was a bunch of angels flailing around. Almost all of the injuries were due to friendly fire.
Throughout all of this God went through His morning rituals. He went into the Holy bathroom and peed His Holy urine into the Holy toilet and washed His Holy hands in the Holy sink. You get the idea. Throughout all of this, Lucifer just stood back and watched Him, a smirk on his face, giddy with the act of rebellion and the idea that he was winning. Yes, he even watched God peeing, then again, everyone knows Lucifer is that kind of guy, right?
So anyway, God finished up His Holy breakfast, put the Holy bowl into the Holy sink and walked over to the Holy window. He looked through it, and saw that all was not good. And so, God spoke unto them, “CUT IT OUT.” And because it was God saying this, they had to stop. To his credit, Lucifer still managed to keep the smirk on his face.
“AS I SAID, NOTHING IMPORTANT HAPPENS UNTIL AFTER BREAKFAST.”
“Well my lord, now it is after breakfast. What happens?”
“OH, NOTHING MUCH, I JUST THROW YOU AND YOUR HALF OF THE HOST OUT OF HEAVEN.”
“VERILY I SAY UNTO YOU, GET OUT.”
And so, Lucifer and his supporters found themselves in the formless place that would become earth.
In the Beginning