At the semiannual meeting of the Deities for Unread Maps or Bronchitis Coalition (DUMB Coalition), a number of gods were discussing an urgent predicament: there were no more unread maps to be read. "There are no more unread maps to be read," said Jesus-Manup, who would later come to be worshipped by a very confused group of Melanesian cargo cultists.
"Yes... What a predicament that is," agreed Anubis, who was at that point the god of fluffy
bunny-rabbits (not yet having become the god of death and judgment). He happened to be sitting on an unread map of Australia which he was reserving for his fluffy rodent hordes. "Well, I suppose we could shift our focus away from unread maps and instead deal exclusively to bronchitis."
"But we can't do that!" exclaimed George W. Bush. Though few realize it, Bush is the god of ignorance, primates, bad ideas, and riding-on-the-patriarch's-coattails. Expanding on the nature of his objection, Bush asserted, "If we abandon our support of unread maps, then the terrorists win!"
"Agreed," shouted Tyr (Norse god of valor), brandishing his sword. Unfortunately, in the process of brandishing his sword, Tyr accidentally (but nevertheless valorously) decapitated a nearby
bunny-rabbit of the fluffy variety. Feeling the need to resolve this mishap, Tyr explained to his fellow deities, "Um... Oops?"
Despite Tyr's greatest diplomatic efforts, Anubis was not mollified. "Fool!" he screamed, frothing with rage. "You killed a fluffy
bunny-rabbit; justice must be served!"
"But there isn't room in the pantheon for a judge of the divine, with corporate downsizing and whatnot," Re-Horakhty (Ra) reminded Anubis. "I'm afraid the only position of judgment that I can fit into the budget is a judge of the dead."
"Very well then. Judge of the dead I shall be! But mark my words, Tyr: When you die, you shall be made to pay for your sins!" Then, realizing that Tyr was immortal, and thus would not die and/or pay for his sins, Anubis angrily vanished in a flash of smoke and puff of light.
The issue of decapitated rabbits resolved, the DUMB Coalition continued to debate the issue of unread maps. Eris, the Greek goddess of chaos, proposed that all maps be erased, then randomly redrawn so that there would be new maps to read. A vote was taken, but George W. Bush was the only god in favor of this idea.
Then Tellus, Roman god of earth, had a brilliant idea. "I could form a new continent upon the Earth, and we could send people to settle this continent and give us maps!" The deities were overwhelmingly supportive of this idea. However, George W. Bush invoked the power of "rigged Supreme Court" to veto this course of action. Though none of the other deities knew what a rigged Supreme Court was, they did not question Bush; after all, his father had been President!
Having thus come to a stalemate, the DUMB Coalition might have ascended into anarchy were it not for a fortuitous visit by the Bavarian Illuminati. The Illuminati offered to raise Atlantis back up from the depths, so that people could settle and map the ancient continent. This solution satisfied all of the deities, and so began the search for an appropriate band of settlers.
Many people were considered to lead this expedition: Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Janet Reno, Steven Seagal, Bruce Willis. But the deities knew that none of these prospects, muscular though they were, could succeed in settling Atlantis. Indeed, there was only one man for that job; the son of God and savior of mankind: Jeff Goldblum.
And so Mr. Goldblum led his devout followers and adoring fans across the landbridge (now the Bering Strait) to the newly-risen Atlantis. Shortly after Mr. Goldblum's crossing, Fenrir happened across the land bridge and, mistaking it for Odin, swallowed it whole. Fenrir, being the silly wolf that he is, did not realize that Balder was not yet dead, so obviously Ragnarok could not have begun.
After a brief stop at the local chapeaury to pick up some stylish headgear, Mr. Goldblum commenced with the mapping of Atlantis, clearly labeling the map as such. Due to an unrelated string of events involving two dozen geese, a spilled bottle of ink, three molasses cookies, an unspilled bottle of ink, and a partridge in a pear tree, the map went through a series of alterations before making it into the hands of the DUMB coalition.
Not wanting to admit their mistake, the deities immediately reshaped Atlantis and changed its name to America. Mr. Goldblum was given James Earl Jones's soul and worldly possessions in return for keeping silent about the incident, and Mr. Goldblum's ragtag band of followers settled in America, unaware of the delicious fast food that they had missed by showing up before any capitalist gluttons.