. The ghosts don’t go with the day.
I dreamed last night of a lover
long gone. I dreamed about mothers and I dreamed of my father enraged
. I saw myself in a place where all the ways people hurt can be boiled to the places where we hurt each other, and I imagined myself in flames. I dreamed about making love
with the dreamer who touched me and whose lingering spirit I thought I had cast away.
Theses dreams kept me in a state of sleep
all day, haunted by ghosts and the memories of presence
, again and again and again.
Now you follow me around. You find me after work and come to me with a smile. I don’t know how to break your heart, and so in my efforts to be kind I know that I am crueler still. How I hate it. We walk in the dismal rain that is this town, through rows of clouds that hang close to the ground and I watch the rain in misting drops that keep everything off at a distance.
Ghosts are all around
I can’t ask you how to deal with a haunting. Your goofy smile, hopeful for love won’t permit it, and why would you want to see? No, I don’t ask. Instead I offer another excuse and retreat. I can’t have anyone else following me around today. Not when I can’t shake these spirits. Not when I’m possessed myself. I find your smile pleasant and your voice reassuring, but I know that you want something that I can’t give, so I dart off back into the rain with only a word of goodbye, asking the clouds to envelope me, and take me to the thin grey places where ghosts can always stay.
Maybe I will join them.
A dance with meandering ghosts
. I envision myself in his arms where he is, ethereal
and at play between raindrop tears. I can render his space in my mind, and enter it beyond my will, in the place where his spirit still moves me
. I believed that I shook him off long ago, but the spirits
don’t fade in the day. I turn to face my father
, a sad old man with nothing left in this world, and his expectations rise in waves, crushing, eliminating all that I am. I thought I killed him long ago, but I only created this ghost
. One more ghost to keep for the darkness
. One more ghost to build walls, and the places I want to go slowly fade beneath the slowly erected masses of brick, tar and blood
Ghosts. Ghosts of the ones who have mattered
, but out from whom I still can’t seem to shake free.
You, will you take me? I know that you will. But I’m going to stay here, for now; stay and see what the ghosts have to say.