The following is a scene that was cut from Austin Powers 2
. It came to me from a fairly reliable source
, but I make no claims on its validity
. If children are present
, please either have them leave the room, or be prepared to answer some very awkward questions
Ext. Desert retreat
It is a sixties, EST-like commune, like in the opening scene of BOB, Carol, Ted and Alice. These are some Hipsters, flower children and businessmen. Some nudists sun themselves in the background. A man is being lovingly held by the group as he screams at the top of his
We see our group leader is VLAD, bearded, with long hair, wearing cotton draw-string pants.
Let it out, Jonathan
(crying & shouting) I love porn!
Perfect. Repeat after me: I'm beautiful and I have a secret.
I'm beautiful and I have a secret.
You are beautiful and that is the secret. The peyote is starting to kick in. This is an ancient Navajo technique of releasing your inner thoughts. It's important here that we speak our truth with kindness and let the peyote take
over. We’re only as sick as our secrets. Scott, what are your secrets?
We see Scott, now completely hippied–out, with beads, tie-dye, Birkenstocks, etc. Beside him is Dr. Evil, struggling with being cross-legged.
I decided to 'just say no' to the peyote. I’m only here cause I have some family issues to sort out.
I, on the other hand, took the peyote and I'm high as a frickin' kite.
I want to kill my father, because I think he’s going to destroy the earth.
Kudos for your love of the earth mother. What’s your bag, Dr. Evil? Do you have anything to admit?
Yes, I have a vestigial tail.
Everyone in the group is a little grossed out.
It’s more of a nub, really. The spine just goes on a little longer than it should.
That’s a cop-out, man. Share. From the soul!
I've dabbled. I mean, perform fellatio once and you're a poet, twice and you’re a homosexual. I remember once I was being fisted by Sebastian Cabot — but here's where the story gets interesting. He was lactose intolerant. He could eat red meat all night long, but one sip of milk and it was gastric hell. And I remember we were caught IN FLAGRANTE DELICTO by Henry Kissinger, and you can imagine my humiliation at having Hank hear me say, "Mr. French, no teeth." One of my greatest disappointments
is that I never became a song and dance man. I could have been a quadruple threat, kind of like a despotic Ken Berry. Dancer, singer, actor, and I would possess nuclear weapons, the latter being the most threatening of the four. I once sat on a bus and tried to will myself a menstrual cycle. All I ended up with was a sense of failure and a mild neuralgia. Perhaps a grudging respect for the weaker sex. I love toe cleavage. For the most part I distrust dogs. I slept in a horse once. It was quite roomy. On second thought, it was the Ritz. I’ve named my left testicle 'piss' and my right testicle 'vinegar'. I wrote "It's Raining Men", or so the Christmas babies told me. Oh yes, I also made a Marzipan voodoo effigy of the Fonz while I was in coma after smoking some Peruvian prayer hash, but who at the end of the day can honestly say they haven't done that?
Everyone in the group is stunned. We push in closer and closer to Dr. Evil’s head as if going inside.