It's so hard to express.
I can write about physics, tea, music, all that stuff. So why do I find it so difficult to express my emotions in black and white? I see people write beautifully about love all the time, telling the world what their loved ones mean to them, so intellectually I know it can be done. I just wish I knew how.
I want everyone to know about the wonder of you, the joy that bubbles from you and spills over so readily into my heart. The light that you shine on the world, that brightens and throws things into relief, changing the way I see it all.
So why do I find it so hard to tell them about it? Am I embarrassed? Too scared of the glib and the clichéd, or just afraid to commit too much of my humanity to the screen or the page, exposing my insides for the world to see - to go 'aww' over, or worse, 'eww'?
Am I really too out of touch with my emotions to express them this way? Could it be that I never write about things with such emotional import because I am too distant, too alienated from my own inner life? Or maybe I want people to think that's the case? Too many years, perhaps, of learning to avoid ridicule, to keep my vulnerabilities hidden because I knew too well how they would be used against me?
I wish I knew the answers to all these questions, but I suppose it's too late now - 'there ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe, if'n you don't know by now', right? Still, I hope you understand that even if I never noded your light, doesn't mean I never knowed it.
I love you, and I'm sorry.