All these years I've thought I was a chick
. I've been shaving
my legs and wearing a bra
and taking a pee
--with the seat down
, no less--in WOMEN'S restrooms
. Can you imagine how stupid
I felt when I took the "What Gender
Are You?" test at TheSpark.com
and it informed me I was definitely a man
? Wow, now I feel like an idiot
for going by the name Ivy
all this time . . . people must've thought I was such a sissy
Well, I'm ready for my new life. I will discontinue shaving my legs immediately, and will begin shaving my face instead, except for that little bit where I'd like to grow a goatee, 'cause I've always thought they were so cool. I will stop wearing skirts altogether, except for the occasional kilt. And I will aspire to sing bass instead of soprano. I will stop wearing stockings to work and begin wearing a tie; I will bitch-slap anyone who dares to call me "Ma'am"; I may even get a girlfriend and behave chivalrously with her to show what a good man I am. I will do my damnedest to stop menstruating.
Oh, and I will change my name to Ivan.