Hey! Are you the rare Gen-Y cynic motivated to vote so you can spoil your ballot on purpose? That's a horrible waste of paper, and you my friend are killing the planet. So to better use your vote in a constructive way, I've created a simple, concise platform comparison between Liberals and Conservatives; direct your vote in the way you see best. (note: party affiliation in your area may vary - Olympia Snowe and Steny Hoyer seem to be batting for the wrong teams.)

General Ethos:

Conservative: You should be able to do anything you want, so long as we don't find it morally objectionable

Liberal: You should be able to say anything you want, so long as we don't find it morally objectionable

On Israel/Palestine:

C: Israelis are slightly less brown than Palestinians; therefore, we support them.

L: Palestinians are slightly more brown than Israelis; therefore, we support them. Plus, it gives me an excuse to wear this keffiyeh I just bought.

On Drugs (soft):

C: Marijuana has no known medicinal use; and in any case, "Medicinal Marijuana" is just an excuse by stoners to legitimize the debate.

L: Pass the J, man

On Drugs (hard):

C: We will not stop until every drug dealer is an undercover cop.

L: Free and plentiful heroin are the keys to solving this public health problem.

On Sexual Offenders:

C: Offenders should be identified, isolated and publicly humiliated to cleanse our nation.

L: Offenders should be identified, isolated and publicly humiliated to cleanse our nation.

So should a 14-year old girl who sends topless pix of herself to her boyfriend be charged with distributing Kiddie Porn?:

C: Absolutely. That way I get to look at the pix when I confiscate them.

L: No. Sex-ed should start in Kindergarten. More education and empowerment is the answer.

How about free speech?

C: The more the better. Without ad hominem attacks our movement would surely be adrift.

L: The more the better. As long as it's respectful. And doesn't incite violence. And is used responsibly and does not offend. And promotes equality. And doesn't violate human rights charters. And doesn't...

Moving on. Crime?

C: We are SO TOUGH on CRIME! *wipes froth off mouth* Pass the vicodin, dear.

L: The responsibily for crime lies solely on society's unequal shoulders; criminals are economically depressed marionettes, devoid of personal responsibility whatsoever.

How about health care reform?

C: Strongly in favour; far too many undeserving people are having appendices cosmetically removed on the government's dollar. Besides, Hitler had universal health care.

L: Strongly in favour; making rich people wait years for hip replacements makes me feel better about wasting my own life.

What about the rich people supporting your cause?

C: Greed disguised as conservative principles

L: Vanity disguised as liberalism

So there you go, hope this helps! I, personally, will not be voting in the next presidential election, partially because I'm too young and jaded to give a shit; and partially, because I'm Canadian. But that's just an excuse, really; if I had what it took to make it in the land where you don't deserve shit unless you can pay for it, I would be there already. But I guess I like knowing that, even though I'm a leech on society, if I get cancer, every fucking treatment for the rest of my life is free; so I suppose that makes me an arugula-chomping elitist. Damn, it's hard not be smug being Canadian sometimes.

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