Over and over, I bucked
my head against bookcases, against men
split the swollen velvet of my ungulate
heart to find no single thing that
had not dipped its fingers in me

where to look for my face?
where does she end, am I
underfoot? I carved my name in the haunches
of every little hell; left heaven pristine.
a plague dog. a phantom peninsula. I press kisses
into the hollows of my palms, my knuckle tops, a wrist--
counterfeit apologies

study exorcism. test brains against the
plaster, hemorrhage the bad ghost to
bursting. learned to pray in seven languages, chanting
Catalyst, catalyst, catalyst
Begged every diety for no more birthdays
no birthdays because

I never get what I want.

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