The big myth

So there I was flipping through the latest girly mags in my local newsagents, sighing at all the terrible 'advice' i was being subjected to, when something caught my eye on the next shelf. Bored with all the “how to make your orgasms even better” gibberish in my usual buy, I instead opted for one of the lad mags. Much to my horror I found it was pretty much full of the same stuff, “How to please her: 10 easy steps to keep her cumming back for more”. You may wonder at my concern; these mags surely provide a valuable insight into the wonderful world of sex. Well, knowing full well that most of this so-called advise is invariably inapplicable to me, I got talking to a few other REAL LIFE people to find out their views and to clear up once and for all, the myths of sex.

We live modern lives in a modern society, where sex and personal satisfaction in general are no longer taboo subjects and yet when it comes to the bedroom, there is so little communication between partners that the large majority of us still believe the myths of yesteryear and blindly follow the advice pumped out by these girl and guy mags. Dear oh dear…

Okay guys, I’ve been doing my homework and finding out what you actually believe and accept when it comes to sex. I have to admit, I now feel incredibly sorry for you with all the garbage you’ve been spoon-fed by FHM and Loaded, and as a real life woman with no capital incentive for writing garbage I hope to put at least a little of it right.

We'll start with the biggey, or the weenie depending on your own physical status, does size matter? Only from an aesthetic point of view and hardly at all when it comes to the technical side of hitting the big-O. Soldiers come in all shapes, colours (although should be avoided if green!) and sizes, and in the end they all (hopefully) go into battle standing to attention. I know it sounds clichéd but it really is what you do with it that counts, or perhaps more precisely what you yourself do at the same time. See, at the end of the day, all you'll be doing will be pushing in, pulling out, and occasionally performing a brave yet bizarre attempt at the hokey-cokey. Tall, short, fat, thin, all the Generals out there will essentially perform the same mechanical motion, and as many women will tell you, it is highly unlikely that this by itself will lead to climax. Thus, when it comes down to the technical stuff, size matters very little. What is important is position - to make sure you hit all the right spots (which you can do if any size), and what you are doing with you hands and tongue. Paying some attention to the breasts or clit will invariably get a very good response, and a little necking action is always appreciated. The most important thing to stress here is communication. Every woman is different and will be stimulated in different ways. Ask her what she enjoys and be willing to experiment. Size only matters if it’s the only thing going for you, and bigger can often cause far more problems than most girls will think its worth (anybody up for a touch of cystitis??).

I’ve been told by several men, that guys assume that if they don’t give their girl the perfect orgasm then they are doing something wrong. Time to get technical. It is VERY difficult for most women to achieve orgasm ALL of the time. It is not possible to force a woman to cum, as much of the female orgasm is a result of state of mind. Anorgasmia (the inability of women to achieve orgasm) is incredibly common, and although it is physically possible for every woman to experience the joys of the big-O, there are many reasons why she might not. It is often completely out of the hands of the guy as to whether the girl reaches climax or not as this is very dependant on her own physiological and emotional state. Once again, communication is key, finding out what she likes etc. If you've exhausted all your options, there may be an underlying physical or psychological problem, and it may be time to visit a doctor. However, guys should not feel like it is their fault if they can't make their girl cum, it is very much a team effort.

Next, we come to the issue of how long a girl wants one session to last and to what she'll think if you last anything less than a good half hour. I'll start by saying this; Women do not want their fella to be pumping away for hours on end. As I’ve said before, very few women will cum through penetration alone, so going at it like you're running a marathon is likely to just bore her or at least make her sore! A lot of women are happy to consider the ins and outs as the guy’s time for fun; for the women, sex is more about emotional closeness than reaching climax. You can of course change this by making it more than just a series of thrusts, change your position during sex, use your hands and lips to make it more fun for her, and always feel free to speak up and let her know what you’d like back. But don't think that your partner will want you to last forever, after all there's more than one way to stimulate women if the big-O is what they are after. The same applies to foreplay - only spend as long as each other needs. A girl is just as likely to lose interest if you spend ages exploring every nook and cranny of her body and thus an exciting quickie can often get her going much better than a slow romantic tumble simply because her hormones will be through the roof. Make sure you don’t make every session a quickie though, it will get old very quickly. There is no set time, we’re all different, if you knew exactly how long you had to do each bit and it all had its set stages, it would soon become just another chore in the day. Feel free to try new things and continually vary how long each session lasts.

The most important thing you need to know?? The vital titbit of information that they NEVER tell you in any male mag??? The secret to having any lady believe you were wonderful???? The after show. Okay, so after sex you’re tired, the hormones have completely switched back into reality mode and for the only time in your life, shagging is the last thing on your mind. And girls feel the same right? WRONG! It takes time for the female hormone levels to switch back to normal, just like it takes time for them to get up there in the first place. So she’s not really going to expect another round but she does need to know she was appreciated. A nice kiss and a little cuddle, that’s all it takes, help her wind down, make sure she’s finished too, and in a few minutes you’ll be free to doze off or do whatever you please. But whatever you do, don’t just finish your action then pull on your jeans and go find something else to do, checking your email is not as important as finishing the job properly. If you don’t finish it off, believe me, you may as well not have bothered at all.

And for the women…

We’ve heard it all, right? Read every book and magazine on the subject, watched every show, we’ve totally sussed it when it comes to sex and especially when it comes to men and sex. Well that’s what we’re led to believe. Sadly, we’re worse off than our male counterparts simply because we really do believe we know it all, and we’re very very wrong.

All men love sex and would be happy with whatever you hand to them, right? Sorry girls, they really aren’t as straightforward as we’d like to believe. The modern day man really isn’t the primate just out to get his end off that we make him out to be. Sure in the past it was all about the guy and women just had to lie back and perform their duty, but that wasn’t your man, he wasn’t even around back then. And now the female revolution is making HIM pay for what those misogynists did in the past. But is it really fair to make our men suffer for the mistakes of their ancestors? Our men are really feeling the pressure of today’s demands, and if you read the section for men you’ll understand just what they’re up against. Some men think they cum too quickly, others (and this is the god’s honest truth) find reaching orgasm hard work. For them, sex can be just as emotional as it is for us women. At times it can even be so difficult to achieve the goal that they start to feel it just isn’t worth it. Believe it or not it is increasingly common for the male to fake an orgasm and just get rid of the condom without his partner seeing. It is far from a purely mechanical experience, and it’s not until the point of orgasm that release is the only thing on his mind, before that he’s mainly thinking about pleasing you, if he’s holding out long enough, and is he actually doing it right. Maybe we should step back and figure out our fellas for ourselves rather than accept the generalisations made by these women’s only columns.

All men spank their monkey as often as possible. Nope. All men are different. They too have their hormonal ups and downs, which can mean nothing for ages and then several times in one day. Unfortunately for them they don’t get to control these surges and the male boner will always wreak havoc at the most inappropriate times. Some guys have a regular twice-a-day routine, others maybe twice a week, however often they do it, it usually has NO reflection on their sexual relationship with you. It gets rid of the damned thing in the morning, relieves stress in the day, and helps them sleep at night. It is very healthy and keeps it all in good working order, and you should really be more worried when they stop as that is when there is likely to be a problem. When a guy who usually enjoys a regular solo flight suddenly finds he’s lost interest, there is usually a very high stress level or an underlying cause of anxiety. So go on, let him walk his dog, you could always make his day and walk it for him.

Another common misconception is that all men are turned on first thing in the morning, simply because they have a hard on. Something that not all men know is that their trouser snake makes an appearance every time loverboy has a dream. He could be dreaming about running away from a giant bog rat and the blood would still flow straight to the zone. So before looking at him in disgust or jumping on full whack for a ride, depending on your mood, think for a second that things aren’t always as they seem. If you’re both in the mood by all means take advantage of the situation, but load his gun first with a little play or you may just find it goes back to sleep.

So what would be the big myth for us girls? That’s easy, that all guys are the same and only want one thing. It’s not true, as I hope you should know by now. Not all guys want you to go straight down under, then again they don’t usually want you to sit for hours experimenting with their different regions and a map from one of your mags. Don’t rely on what you’ve been told by others, ask him what he likes and then use the information to please him and maybe come up with a few related ideas. Remember, sex is not a one way thing, when women tried to change things we set out to make things equal, not to reverse the roles, none of us want to become the sexual pigs that men once were.

So there you have it, a few home truths that I hope will enlighten the world, or at least the bedroom. Go on, have better sex, bridge the gap, TALK to each other, or at least pass this on to all your stone-age friends and let them experience a new sexually enlightened world too!