“Build your own fucking boat!”
That's what I said.
Look, I didn't build this thing for my own pleasure. We all knew it was coming. They talked about it on the radio for weeks and weeks and no one cared. Just because I don't have a life and I did something about it don't mean I had any obligation to save their sorry asses. Lazy ass fuckers. They heard the news! And just sat around and drank beer and watched NASCAR all day.
Not my fault. No way. No how.
They come on the radio and they are all like, It's gonna rain a lot. A damn lot. And they even had scientists and –um, what are those weather guys called? Like meteor-- I don't know. Well, those asses come on the radio too, to get interviewed, you know, and they say how it's going to rain a fuckton by next week. And all the other scientists getting interviewed are saying how it's going to kill every fucker who doesn't live about three thousand six hundred feet above sea level, which is like nobody.
If you can't figure out you're going to need a fucking boat for that kind of rain it's your own problem! Don't come whining to me when it starts raining buckets on your wet ass. All, like, “Save us! Save us! You saved all those animals! Why can't you save us, too?”
Because I built the boat for me. Sure, I brought along some animals. But only because they are cool. Not like your lame asses. NASCAR? Seriously, who told you to sit on your fat asses and watch that? Cars don't float!
And yeah, I built the boat bigger than it needed to be. But only because I had the extra wood because I was about to redo my fence and it was just laying around. And I was thinking to myself, “What about all the lions and shit? All the cool animals will die if I don't save them.”
So I built the boat a little bigger to fit some lions and stuff.
The breaking into the zoo was the hardest part. I guess I could have waited for it to start raining and all the panic and just walked in while everyone was running around screaming their heads off about how they were going to die and they didn't want to go to hell and they didn't mean to fuck the dog, he were just really horny one afternoon when no one was round.
And besides, I knew I needed to be with my boat when it started raining. You know, to shoot any shit-tard that tried to take it from me because they were too stupid and lazy to build their own damn boat.
So I had to break into the zoo and steal some lions and leopards and snakes because I didn't want all of them to drown in the rain. They don't fucking swim, you know.
What I didn't think about was feeding those fuckers. I spent a fortune buying little dogs and mice and shit to feed the lions and stuff. I tried to steal them, too, at first. But everyone was all like, “You can't take Scruffy! She's my dog.” But I figured after all the rich fucks out there died because they didn't have a boat I really wouldn't have to worry about having money or not having money. I could be the fucking president of the fucking United States after the flood, if I wanted to.
And, yeah, it was crowded at first. All the dogs and mice and shit were just running all over the boat all wily-nilly shitting on anything that didn't move. But some of the snakes died because I guess they were vegetarians or something and eventually the other animals ate enough of the little creatures so it wasn't so bad.
And I totally forgot to get food for me because I forgot to get food for the animals until the last minute and I had to eat dogs and a few parrots, but it wasn't so bad. Meat's meat, you know.
So it rained for a really long fucking time and it was really depressing at first. But then it stopped, except the water was still around so I was just sitting in the boat for fucking forever. I didn't think about that. The waiting for the water to go down after all the raining. So I had to eat me a lion there towards the end. But I still had plenty left. I stole like nine or ten of those sons a bitches from the zoo. Took for fucking ever.
Then the water finally started going down and the boat all landed on the roof of this huge ass mansion that I've never seen before, so no telling where I am. I got out and walked on the roof at first. But I couldn't go inside because I had to wait longer for the water to go down more.
After I could get in the top floor, which I didn't know at the time but ended up being the third floor which means I have forever more to wait for the water to go down, after I got inside there I started cleaning up a bit because I didn't have anything else to do. Everything was all wet, of course, but it was drying out just fine and I opened all the windows because it was too humid inside and it smelled like changing for gym class in middle school when all the guys start having puberty and smell and don't know to wear deodorant yet.
So I was cleaning up everywhere and I found a couple bloated bodies and shoved them out the windows. Rich ass bastards. I guess they went to the top floor to escape the flood for as long as possible and then died all sealed up in their rich mansion coffin.
So I was shoving the bloated lard ass wife out the window and it dawns on me, I messed up big time. I didn't bring no females along with me. I was so set on not letting any of those lazy ass NASCAR watchers on my boat I forgot to bring me a female.
Sure, I brought the lions females and males. And the leopards females and males. And the boas, of course. But I didn't bring me any wifely type girl along at the end of the world.
So now I'm sitting here realizing my mistake and all those animals are still on the boat getting all hungry and about to eat each other and I wonder if some chick somewhere built a boat anywhere to save herself and how I would find her even if I could get back on the boat without all the animals trying to eat me because they are hungry and I ate one of the lions.
Damn. I'm an ass.