We've all been sunburnt. Some of us more times than we can count using the fingers of all the residents in some third world country where they breed so fast that rabbits spin their heads around and go, "God dam. Look at them go." We've all played that game where you peel the dead skin slowly and methodically--a little pull here, a little tug there--so as to get the largest piece of intact dead skin. Peeling the largest piece of dead skin is equivalent to slaying the Great Horned Acid-Spitting Toad of Madagascar, or perhaps bopping the Malevolent Mike Silva on the nose and running away.

Anyhow. Here's my tips to peeling the biggest continuous piece of skin:

  • Examine the area carefully. Test to see if there is enough skin there to peel a large quantity without breaking. If there isn't, put lotion on it religiously and wait a couple days.
  • Make sure that before you start peeling, you use the bathroom. I've had many a good piece of continuous dead skin ruined by a required trip to the little boys room.
  • Peel in deathly quiet and serenity. This is a solemn matter and not something you can just do while listening to your friends babble on about whatever stupid thing they've discovered recently. Like having Swedish fish in the bottom of your beer glass. (Note: Swedish fish are not alive, so they don't mind the beer so much.)
  • Check to see if your mother is around. For some reason, mothers don't approve of this practice. They just don't understand. Fathers and other male relations will cheer you on. Since it's best to do this in quiet so they don't distract you, make sure they're not around too.
  • Don't bother peeling skin on your fingers. The surface area of your fingers will never allow for a large continuous piece of dead skin. And the knuckles will fuck you up anyhow. The best places to peel are the arms and legs.
  • Peel a little bit and then examine the skin around what you just peeled. Is it dead-looking? Does it look sunburnt? Does it look like it's ready to be freed from its prison?
  • If you're peeling your arm, peel down the arm, not across it. I think this works the same way that ripping newspaper works--you have to rip with the grain, not against it.
  • Keep track of what areas have been peeled previously and what areas haven't. Like they say, you can't pick apples from the same tree day after day. I think they say that because you'll run out of apples. Something like that.
  • When you're peeling skin, try to keep the flappy peeled part from flapping. This will keep it intact.
  • This is very much unlike peeling an onion. Though it might make you cry anyways--depending on how dead the skin is.
  • When you think you've milked the piece for all its worth, sit and think about it for a few minutes. Examine it closely. And if you think you're still done, tear it off and carefully place it in the palm of your hand.
If you follow these steps very carefully, I'm sure that you will certainly amaze your friends with the largest piece of continuous peeled dead skin that they have ever seen.

Course, if you live in a non-hick-ville kind of place, there are usually an infinite number of better things to do with your afternoon.

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