When you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea: have a point. It makes it SO much more interesting for the listener!
-Neal Page, in “Planes, Trains and Automobiles”
I don’t know jackshit about music. Said that like I’m proud of it, but I'm not. I just thought I'd be upfront about the fact that I can’t read music or play an instrument. My singing sets the dogs to howlin’ from here to Yazoo City.
Which is pretty far, from Memphis to Yazoo City. Yes, yes, Memphis again, it’s my hometown, I might’ve mentioned that in a previous write-up or two. But Memphis is a music hub, so it’s pertinent here.
Lotta music in Memphis. Lotta bands. Lotta good band names. Some not so good. Like I said, I don’t sing or play an instrument; I don’t have kids, and if you knew me you’d thank me for that. But all that aside, naming a band, I figure, is sort of like naming a child. You ought to think about it. I mean, really, really think about it.
Of course, some people do think about it and still name their band something silly. Or stupid or "clever" or too cute by half. Or so inanely offensive no one can bring themselves to say it. A good band name ought to be easy to remember and relatively short. And it ought to portend. “The Cramps”, for example, is a good band name. It portends all manner of things, especially in bold, creepygirl font.
“The Klitz” is a bad band name. Oh it's short, and easy to remember. It certainly portends; morons, is what, pretentious girl morons. Moronettes. The Klitz was all girl band, you see, and wasn’t that "klever" spelling it with a “k”, and how ‘bout that “z” where there should be an "s"—
It's supposed to smack of rebellion, I think. Instead, it just sounds trashy. That’s not my squabble with it, however. Trashy, I don’t mind. It’s juvenile; finger in its mouth, tee-hee, it says. We’re bad girls. Badder than Cherie Currie. Badder than Joan Jett. Well The Runaways sucked too, just like The Klitz, but “The Runaways” is a good band name. “The Klitz” is not. It’s just stupid.
There used to be a R&B band in Memphis called The Fieldstones. That’s a great band name. It portends, and it conveys. It conjures up images, doesn’t it? Alas, so does “Vaginal Blood Fart”. An awful name, but it has a certain lyrical quality to it. It’s not the worst band name I’ve ever heard.
No, that honor goes to—drum roll please—The Diarrhea of Anne Frank.
Tasteless. Boorish. Insensitive, crass, etc.,…it’s all those things. The real problem with it, though, is best explained, as it so often is, by way of a Johnny Cash song.
The song “A Boy Named Sue” was written by Shel Silverstein and recorded by Johnny Cash, in 1969. The story goes like this: absentee dad names his boy “Sue”. Boy is teased. Boy turns mean. Boy becomes a street fighter. Street fighting boy becomes street fighting man, and one night SFM meets ab dad in a bar:
Son, he said, this world is rough
and if a man’s gonna make it
he’s gotta be tough
I gave you that name
and I said goodbye
I knew you’d have to get tough
or die
Ab dad wasn’t being silly, or stupid, or too cute by half; he thought about it. He named his boy “Sue” as an act of love. So the kid wouldn’t grow up to be a snowflake.
I saw The Diarrhea of Anne Frank at a club in downtown Memphis. Awful. Perfectly awful. Godawful. Worse than Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music.” I hope I’m not being too vague.
The Diarrhea of Anne Frank was five guys from a suburban section of Memphis known as Germantown. Oh, the irony. Five guys, who couldn’t tune their instruments, much less play them, dressed in the button down shirts and khaki pants they no doubt wore to prep school.
Snowflakes. Five of ‘em. Nothing redeeming about that performance whatsoever, and sometimes that is the point. I get that, I’ve seen GG Allin. I’ve seen Jesus Christ; that was his given name, Jesus Christ. He was a colorful character, under any name, but love him or hate him, he walked the walk. He threw down. Sometimes it was his own poop and he was on stage, but he threw down. GG Allin was no snowflake.
Trashy, offensive, pornographic, obscene; don’t matter to me. I’m all for free speech. Burn the flag, take a dump on stage, name your band “Kidz ‘N’ the Krawlspace”. I don’t care.
But think about it first. That’s all I’m saying. Really, really think about it, and if you still name your band Kidz ‘N’ the Krawlspace, or Vaginal Blood Fart or The Diarrhea of Anne Frank, have a point, as Neal Page would say. Don’t be silly or tee-hee-stupid. Or clever or too cute by half. Be offensive if you like, but for GG's sake, have a point, and don't be a snowflake about it.
I gave you that name
and I said goodbye
I knew you’d have to get tough
or die
I knew I wouldn’t be there
to help you along
but it’s that name
that’s made you strong…
After what I’m guessing were precious few rehearsals and printing up lord knows how many flyers, The Diarrhea of Anne Frank went down in flames. Disbanded after about the third performance. Should’ve been after the third set.
If I sound like a music critic, it’s only because my hometown is a city with music in its soul. Memphis, TN is the home of the blues, Beale Street, Elvis. Sun Studios, Stax Records. Lived in Memphis all my life and I still don’t know jackshit about music. I can't sing or play an instrument.
I’m not proud of that. But it’s part of who I am. As are these words, of which I am proud. They are my offspring, as a child or the music you make is to you. They represent an idea we have, which a name can either reinforce, and strengthen, or weaken and make disappear like a snowflake.
Life is short and memories long. Words matter. Names are important.
Then again, I thought jackshit was a good band name. So what do I know.