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The world is a pretty messed up place. Everyday when I read the paper or browse the net or even walk down the street (to get my mail from the community mailbox, because our neighbors are a bunch of commies) I see something that reminds me that the world is just plain fucked.

What is up with street signs? When I was a kid I lived on a city block that was comprised of streets all with names dealing with bears. All these names were in Spanish. Casa del Oso, Oso Redondo, Oso Grande, Oso up the Wazzoo-oh. How many Osos have I ever seen on those streets? None. In fact I don't think I've ever seen an actually bear not counting the ones at the zoo; those don't count because I saw them through glass. You see what I mean about this world being messed up.

There's a street in my city called Central, but it isn't in the center of the city. In fact it is a little to the left if one has their back to the East. Along this street are many stores all with lying, cheating names.

All stores with signs should, by law, be made into what their sign declares them to be. Wal*Mart does not sell walls. K-Mart does not sell Ks and the Moon-Mart gas station down the street sure as hell doesn't sell the moon. Circle K and Circle R should be shaped like their name, but they are usually just square buildings. There's a Home Depot next to the freeway, but there aren't any homes stored there. I noticed the M burned out the other night so now it is actually a Hoe Depot, but it sells other things than hoes.

We need less duplicitous names. Actors should only be allowed to play roles they're named for, Vin Diesel would only play diesel trucks, and Denzel Washington would be cast as General Washington in every movie he appears in. Natalie Portman would only play fat guys or dock workers, and Madonna could forget about Evita, because she would be the Madonna.

Countries should follow too. Like Canada. What the hell does that mean? It isn't English. The United States has a nice name, and so does England, Ireland, and Scotland. These are names that mean what they are. The same can be said of Saudi Arabia and that tiny Asian country that starts with a T. But Canada, Wales, Germany, Spain? We need to issue an ultimatum to these... belligerents. Three days to change their name or the United States will change it to "Nuclear Glassland". We can call Canada "Cold Hockey Land", Germany "Angry People Land", Spain "Spanishland", and Wales "Peoplewithanunpronounceablelanguageland".

Wales is obviously the heart of the problem. If you want to ask for a doctor in Welsh (a pretty important thing to be able to do), you must forget everything you've ever been taught about letters and how to pronounce them, "I want a Doctor" becomes something like "Yr Ddoforh if miffingh." Seriously, this is how they speak. Do not look for marbles in their mouth, you will only find their tongue.

So once the properly named England blasts Peoplewithanunpronounceablelanguageland into the sea, we can get to what is really important, which is of course the elimination of synonyms. There only needs to be one word for one object or action or whatever else; predications and all of that. And do we really need all those A's, the's, and that's? No. We do not need any of those. From this sentence on I will never use those useless words again.

Planets are bad too. Mars, Jupiter, Venus? What about decent names, like, oh I don't know... Earth? Why not call Mars "Iron Rocks" or Jupiter "Gas"? Venus could be "Hot and Toxic" or maybe just "Air Pressure"? The Sun's name will need changing too. "Plasmaball" comes to mind. Of course a few changes would need to be made to some words. Plasmaballrise and Plasmaballlight come to mind, but it is a small price to pay, I think.

The World is a confusing place, but if we all work together we can make it less so. Ever hear of the Butterfly Effect? Well, simply put it means that if you make the names of stores, planets, countries, and actors make some sort of sane sense it will have wide ranging effects like ending war and stopping murder.

And we all want that, right?

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