first there was "e" (electronic)
e-mail (the last of the hyphen!)

then "i" (internet)
iMac (the artsy fartsy Mac users dropped the hyphen!
again setting the standard for good taste)

then with empowerment and mass approval came "u" (you)


So onward to the future as of early September 2000

Nobody wants to use "a" because that would imply one in many which simply is counteractive to all brain conditioning, er, marketing campaigns.


My prediction: the next letter is either "o" for (online), though this is a bit synonomous with "e" right now

Or perhaps "y" as the intellectuals regain control of the internet:

Actually a has its heyday as well, cleverly concealed in the @ sign, as the Universal Internet Letter. Ever see that kind of m@rketing?

It's all in the presentation.

"Sm@rt Reseller" is the name of a repulsive and loathsome trade publication, for OEM's or some other horrible computer industry thing. What am I saying?! All trade publications are loathsome and repulsive. Damn near everything else is too, but we're trying to focus on one thing at a time here.

So let's start with this: How the -- if you'll pardon my French -- fuck do you fucking prounounce fucking "Sm@rt Reseller", I ask you? "Smaturt"? What for God's sake is that all about? Is it an adjective? If so, why? Prove it! The swine who dreamed it up almost certainly called '@' an "ampersand", too.

Just in case you live under a rock on a remote island and get your air through a long rubber hose through the good offices of an epileptic child with a bicycle pump, the word "ampersand" signifies the "and" symbol, '&' (called an "ampersand"), which is adequately covered elsewhere in our little, a-hem, "database" here. A-hem. '@' is pronounced "at", because it is the "at" symbol, which signifies the word "at". See? It all fits together. Very clever.

Listen, I just spent ninety minutes watching a flock of plasticene chickens with embedded armatures build an airplane to fly over a fence. I felt their joys and their sorrows, which were more intense and affecting than one would expect from inanimate objects. I am in no mood to play games here.

So here's my plan: I'd like to propose that we capture anybody who uses the symbol '@' to signify the vowel 'a'. Yes, we capture them and throw them in the trunk of a large and imposing automobile. That's the first step. Then we drive them to a secret fortress deep in the ice caves of Antarctica. The final step is to chop their miserable legs off and feed them to the badgers. Yes, badgers. Badgers are fiendish little beasts, with bright beady eyes and fearsome fangs. They're implacable, too. Ohhh, yes. Badgers are what we need, my friends. Badgers are the key.

Badgers -- badgers, and the will to use them. And the world will be ours.

The Custodian: AARRGGHH! Unleash the eBadgers -- and the iBadgers as well! He must not escape!

On mature reflection, we're facing a serious vowel-depletion problem. There are five of them, six if you count 'y', maybe seven if you're Welsh and you throw in 'w'. We can't go too much farther here before we crash. This sets a definite time-limit on the lifespan of the current boom economy. Gather your eBadgers, my friends -- and sell short!

Obviously wh@rfinger is @ bit worked up @bout something or other. Th@t's ok@y. The point @bout b@dgers is @ good one; true, str@tegic preemptive b@dger @ss@ults @re the key to this struggle! B@dgers of the world, unite! You h@ve nothing to lose but your @mpers@nds!!

-scrambles out the door just ahead of a pack of raving eBadgers, barely making it to his iBeetle and slamming the door

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