The Monster Mash

The Monster Mash is a scary novelty song about monsters, dances, and some of the quirks of being a mad scientist.

Recorded in August, 1962, it was sung by Bobby "Boris" Pickett in the style of Boris Karloff, an actor famous for playing horror film roles. The backing singers, known as the Cryptkicker Five, were created from the body parts of Johnny McCrae, Rickie Page, Gary Paxton, and Leon Russell.

Although the dance of the "Monster Mash" is mentioned throughout the song, there has never been a set dance to it. The Crypt-Kicker Five were just another parody of the Mashed Potato dance craze. If you would like a dance to dance to, use the Mashed Potato - but remember to do it slowly, as you've only been reanimated in the last few seconds and you haven't even had the time to oil your joints.

Monster Mash was the number one on the music charts on October 20th, 1962 - just in time for Halloween.

In 1995, Monster Mash: The Movie was released. Two teenagers, stuck in a broken-down car, seek help in a haunted mansion inhabited by Dr. Frankenstein (played by Bobby Pickett himself), who is in need of a brain to transfer into his monster. In 2005, the song was rewritten to become Climate Mash, a song about global warming. Climate Mash has the same style as the original, and was still sung by Pickett.

Why is it so popular? Firstly, it is completely silly. It's upbeat, has lyrics you can remember, and there's no shame in dancing to it badly. Secondly, it's damn good. "Boris" Pickett does a near-perfect impression of Boris Karloff. Lastly, it's a novelty song about a popular holiday - of course it's going to be played during Halloween for many years to come, and with The Monster Mash, that recognition is well-deserved.

And now, some lyrics.

(Creepy sound effects)

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

(He did the mash) He did the monster mash
(The monster mash) It was a graveyard smash
(He did the mash) It caught on in a flash
(He did the mash) He did the monster mash

From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes

(They did the mash) They did the monster mash
(The monster mash) It was a graveyard smash
(They did the mash) It caught on in a flash
(They did the mash) They did the monster mash

The zombies were having fun, The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man, Dracula and his son

The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"

(They played the mash) They played the monster mash
(The monster mash) It was a graveyard smash
(They played the mash) It caught on in a flash
(They played the mash) They played the monster mash

Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?"

(It's now the mash) It's now the monster mash
(The monster mash) And it's a graveyard smash
(It's now the mash) It's caught on in a flash
(It's now the mash) It's now the monster mash

Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you

(Then you can mash) Then you can monster mash
(The monster mash) And do my graveyard smash
(Then you can mash) You'll catch on in a flash
(Then you can mash) Then you can monster mash
A-woooooooooooo, Monster Mash, A-wooooooooooooo...

Although it's not often that you hear the words 'mash' and 'haute cuisine' in the same sentence, with an inventive use of ingredients, good old-fashioned mash can be turned into a meal that's both wholesome and scrumptious. After all, cooking is all about imagination and experimentation.

At least that's what Auntie Morag says and she's the best cook in our family. This is how she makes mash now that she's dead.

Ingredients (for two)

- half a dozen medium size potatoes

Auntie Morag uses King Edwards for sentimental reasons (she had a massive crush on Edward Scissorhands once) but other floury varieties, such as Maris Pipers, are fine as well.

- a couple of handfuls of eyeballs

Black human eyes are the best but cheaper varieties will do. It's good to soak them overnight in slightly salted water so that they'll become softer and less squeaky.

- a handful of fresh earthworms

Try and get them from a place offering dig-your-own service as that way you'll know they're genuinely fresh.

- 1/4 cup of bone marrow

Tinned marrow is fine but make sure it hasn't been processed beyond recognition.

- 1/2 cup of warm blood

Blue blood's the creamiest and therefore the best. Personally, I'd recommend getting it from M&S. It's a bit more expensive but at least you know it's produced locally. If you have a limited budget, use regular blood but make sure it's fresh and human. Steer clear of supermarket value brands: the amount of junk they add is positively scary.

- frying fat

Sainsbury's Liposssuction Fat is particularly suitable thanks to its mellow and fruity taste.

- seasoning

Auntie Morag uses salt and powdered femur but feel free to experiment.

Boil the potatoes. Chop the eyeballs and earthworms and fry them until golden brown. Mash the tatties adding bone marrow first and then the warm blood. Add the seasoning and continue to mash until the whole mixture is smooth and creamy. Stir in the fried eyeballs and earthworms et voilà!

(For a veggie version, Auntie Morag suggests using tofu or coagulated slime but she does so with a good deal of scepticism and a smattering of disgust.)