Three years ago, I wrote briefly for the now defunct The following was dated September 8, 1998. It was the fifth installment for a column I was writing called "Lies, Damn Lies, and Slogans" but was never published. Who wouldn't be scared of the fifth column? =)

Seriously though, it's a fairy tale about heartbreak and ambition. Though it was written when I was fairly depressed, that didn't stop me from filling it with atrocious puns from the pop culture of the time, some less obvious than others: Madonna, Sheryl Crow, Monica, Brandy, Jewel, Shania Twain, Courtney Love, Tori Amos, Mariah Carey, Hollywood, and (most obscurely) Natalie Imbruglia.

Lies, Damn Lies, and Slogans
The Lost Caws

Once upon a time, a little insect fell in love with a boy. She was not as ugly as a moth, nor was She as beautiful as a butterfly. The boy was a magician. The little insect assumed She was attracted to this boy only as all insects are attracted to a source of light in darkness. Thus She did not feel worthy. They lived in different worlds, after all.

Today, he was at the pier, watching the Moon rise. He was a child of the Wind, and blew onto the pier with his own power. The Wind fought him with cold for Years, but he made it to the pier nonetheless. He was looking for a sign from Her. The Wind brought cold Waves crashing upon his face, but he was not discouraged. He loved Her all the more. Last evening, the moon had set in its usual place on the horizon. The boy had fallen asleep then. This morning, the boy was not looking for the Moonrise on the horizon. He was waiting for it to breakthrough the clouds and catch its first rays upon his face.

The boy walked in circles and circles on the pier, waiting for the sign. The Moonrise was more beautiful than he could possibly imagine. But it was not enough. She did not give him a sign. He was cold. He blew off the pier soon after the Moon rose, like a zephyr. He was not heartbroken. He no longer had one to break.

Soon after, the boy married a Crow, with the blessing of his wise and saintly Madonna. It was a beautiful marriage. He chased after the Crow over fields, over hills, over forests and deserts, following the melodious caws. They learned to fly together. After many years, the boy and the Crow ended their marriage the best of friends.

The boy's second marriage was to a Harmonica. This time, the boy had to carry her by himself over fields, over hills, over forests and deserts, but they made beautiful music together. The boy felt more free than he had felt for years. Even after their divorce, the boy always carried a part of her with him.

The boy was tired. He finally decided to settle down with Brandy. He was no longer free, but she made him forget all his troubles, all his desires, all the memories too painful to think about. Whenever he was with her, he felt dizzy and lightheaded. He was finally happy but she could not satisfy him. He left her because he wanted to control his own happiness. They were still occasional friends.

His fourth marriage was to a Jewel. She made him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams. She sparkled when she talked and her beauty was among the most brilliant in the land. Their turbulent divorce left the boy independently wealthy.

The boy thought his fifth marriage would bring him closer to humanity than he had ever been. She was a prophetess named Twain. Her words were like poetry and her beauty as delicate as words. But he soon grew tired of this two-faced liar.

He had given up on marriage. He believed his sixth Courtship was with the embodiment of Love itself. She was hard. She was hypnotic. She knew just how much to hurt and abuse him to make him come back for more. She left him crying in the gutter, a grown man.

His seventh was a passionate love affair with a woman named Torrid. All reason, all thought left him whenever he was with her. He dropped everything for her, and he nearly died from all the needs that were getting neglected. The man barely made out of that relationship alive.

But lo and behold, an angel came to his rescue! Her name was Carry. She brought him back from near death and satisfied each and every one of his earthly and heavenly desires with her perfect body. She was his lady of the lake. He no longer had to lift a finger, and that nearly scared him senseless. He was completely chained by his desires. The separation was too terrifying for words.

Finally, he found a woman named Holly in the woods. He felt as if he had married an entire city, an entire harem. She could be anyone he could possibly remember, of any age, any color, any personality. Those were the loneliest years of his life. He was now an old man, unable to express what was missing in his life.

The little insect was always there with him during his nine loves. She suffered with him, cried with him. They made love in the only way they knew how -- She sang him Her songs. Songs that everybody else loved, and even songs that nobody loved. Even after all these Years, She still did not feel worthy. Her name was too common, too normal -- Improbable, Impossible, Imaginary. The boy, his nine loves, and the little insect all lived miserably together for the remainder of their mortal days. She thought it was what he really wanted. The boy forgot. It was too late for Her to sing the song he had most wanted to hear.

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