”What are you, some kind of clown?”
Well, as a matter fact, as it turns out, here in the States (see updates below, the movement seems to have gone international) you might not want to utter such a question because these days, you just never know. Plus, if you answer in the affirmative, it might just get you arrested.
Because they are EVERYWHERE and the movement seems to be growing larger and larger as the days of Halloween come closer and closer. As the famous song by Stealers Wheels says...
Well, I don't know why I came here tonight
I got the feeling that something ain't right
I'm so scared in case I fall off my chair,
And I'm wondering how I'll get down those stairs
Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you
If you don't believe me, all you have to do is disregard the constant drone of national politics (or maybe those folks are the clowns), and turn to your local news to get a dose of what’s really going on in the country. If you think The Donald and Ms. Clinton are scary, get a load of these guys.
Here’s a couple of instances of local news reports that confirm the sightings of evil clowns wreaking havoc and terrorizing the suburbs of rural America. Oh, the humanity.
The plague started here in my adopted home town of Columbus, Ohio late last month when a teenager reported he was confronted by a knife wielding six foot man wearing a clown mask. The boy, who would not reveal his identity, fended the clown off by throwing a rock at him.
Next, we move to Portland, Oregon where a 20-year-old woman reported that a man in black clothing and a silver clown mask came up to her car and started banging on her window. Apparently, the clown in question quickly bid a hasty retreat after neighbors were alerted by screams.
The onslaught continued in the sleepy little town of Amsterdam, New York when a pack of middle school kids were chased by an “evil clown” for about four blocks. Later reports of four other jesters roaming the streets kept the local authorities on the alert.
We move back out west to that hotbed of clown activity known as Redmond, Oregon where a woman reports seeing a "person wearing a clown mask with teeth, white t-shirt and blue pants" at an optical shop. A search of the area was futile and the clown remains at large.
Perhaps reacting to “media hype, the good citizens of Gatesville, Texas provide authorities with false reports of kidnappings attributed to a pair of scary clowns. This forces local authorities and school districts to announce that there is nothing to fear. (I wonder what they are hiding.)
In someplace called “Flomaton, Alabama", one “Flomo the Clown” goes on Facebook to announce he will make an appearance at several local schools. Subsequently, several schools in the area go on lockdown. Happily, or sadly, depending on your point of view, Flomo fails to show. Police remain on high alert.
In Greenville County, South Carolina there were reports of men dressed as clowns (a clown posse?) attempting to lure children into the woods with promises of candy and money. The local sheriff's department responds to reports of residents firing shots in the direction of the forest. No blood trail or evidence of the clowns can be found.
In Green Bay, Wisconsin there was creepy clown nicknamed Gags. Gags is spotted roaming city streets at night, carrying what can be best described as a bouquet of black balloons. Unlike other previous reports, this time there's photographic evidenceof Gags. Local police have declined to take action even asserted Gags' right to scare the shit out of the community prompting other city officials to wonder if they are in on it.
In Cincinnati, Ohio a woman reports that she was attacked by a man dressed as a clown. This also puts some of the local schools on lockdown. This time however, police apprehend someone believed to have a connection with the incident. No further details are forthcoming.
Sketchy reports out of Largo, Florida where a Tampa Bay-area teenager claims he was chased by a “terrifying” jester. More details to follow.
In Brentwood, New York police respond to reports of people dressed as clowns turning their wrath on cars, jumping in front of them and sometimes even chasing them down local roads. Another report of a scary clown surfaces in nearby North Babylon.
The first true fatality of the clown outbreak occurs in Reading, Pennsylvania where police report that a teenager was stabbed to death after a fight broke out because of somebody was wearing a clown mask.
In Syracuse, New York a 10-year-old boy dials the 911 as he hides between two houses, claiming three men in clown costumes approached him before school, at which point he ran away.
In Lehigh Valley, Pennsylvania a group of elementary school kids report being chased by three people dressed as clowns after school. They further claim the clowns drove off in a white vehicle School staff and police couldn't find people or a van fitting the description and the perpetrators remain at large.
In Fayetteville, West Virginia the county sheriff tells apparently has had enough of the marauding clowns and tells local media that "It's time for this joke to end". This was after the agency announced it's received several reports of menacing clowns scaring residents.
Folks, we’re still about three weeks away from Halloween. Will the cascade of clowns abate or will it continue or possibly even rise as the date draws closer? All I know if that we should all keep an eye open and do our best to fend off these monsters before it is too late.
I will also try and keep this updated as events warrant.
If anybody else out there has heard of or witnessed other menacing clowns in their vicinity, please message me with the details and I'll gladly add it the write up.
Grisly Ghouls from Every Tomb: The 2016 Halloween Horrorquest
Update: October 7, 2016
Apparently the movement has crossed over the borders of the United States to Canada. User JD reports that in Ontario another clown has made his intentions known and disrupted several schools in the area. For more details, please see this.
Not be outdone, the police in Australia have also warned the general public to be on the lookout for "parading in the public wearing clown masks". " More details can be found here.
Update: October 10, 2016
User JD reports another clown related incident in Toronto, Canada. More details can be found here.
Update: October 13, 2016
And in Alberta