(Originally noded on November 17, 2000)
Once upon a time, there was a website called ReplacementPets.com
. On one of their pages (http://www.hamsterific.com/Replacement_pets/why.html), they included the following statement:"How did this all happen?
United under the Lguide.com name, Team Jet Poop some how found time, when not slaving away to increase the value of Lguide.com, to pursue their own private ventures. ReplacementPets.com, Hamsterific.com, and ihatethistown.com are such projects."
It was not us.
Really, we don't know who
they are or how they happened to end up using our name
. There are
non-team-members who we allow to use the name--the brother
of one of our members uses the name when he plays Quake online
--but these guys are total mysteries to us. So we decided, hey, maybe we better go down and have a talk
with 'em. Maybe we can try to figure out why they picked our
(Scene: A large, monolithic office building in Silicon Valley. The members of Team Jet-Poop are knocking at the door. A nameplate on the door reads "ReplacementPets.com - A Division of Cyberdyne".)
I'm gonna punch
their lights out! I'm gonna beat 'em with a hockey stick
You better chill
, Todd. They might have a good explanation
Who cares? I'm gonna beat 'em with--with a pickax
, man! A goddamn PICKAX
We're switching you to decaf
Hey, did we get the time zone
s wrong? It isn't after closing time
here, is it? 'Cause this door is locked.
No, we got hours before five. Whoever heard of an office building
where you have to knock on the door to get in, right?
Pull up the floor tiles
! Club 'em with bat
s! Baseball bat
s! Vampire bat
s! Keep 'em guessing!
Jack, you better take Pixy Stix
off the grocery list, too.
(The door opens, and very proper English butler sticks his head out)
You cannot stand before my Racquetball Racquet of Death
, you flaming mofo
Sorry. It's the Mountain Dew
Uh, hi. We're looking for Ryan Leisinger
, Ken "Hamsta" Brocx
, and Jonathan Grant
And you are...?
We're Team Jet-Poop
, from Everything2
To protect the world
To unite all noder
s within our nation!
QUIET! Save it for later...
We were wanting to find out why they were using our name...
I see. Wait here, please.
Did you see that?
A butler. Who the hell keeps a butler
in an office building?!
I WILL FEAST UPON THEIR SOUL
S WITH A SIDE ORDER
OF JULIENNE FRIES
Todd, you better chill out now
ARE YOU THREATEN
ING ME?! I AM THE GREAT CORN--Oww! Leggo!
Are you finished?
Yeah, I'm done, I'm done! Leggo! You're gonna break my collarbone
Damn cybernetic hand
Maybe he's not actually a butler. He could be a security guard
Security guards don't wear tuxedo
s. Maybe he was--
(The door opens again, and a lawyer emerges)
AAAAHH! A LAWYER!
Good afternoon. You were enquiring about the Team Jet-Poop
Uhh, yeah. We wanted--hold on. Did you say "trademark
That is correct. Mssrs. Leisinger, Brocx, and Grant have recently applied for and been granted a trademark
on the "Team Jet-Poop
" name and all rights thereto in perpetuity, including related insignia
s and covering present and future enterprises including, but not limited to: film
, video game
, and book
rights; professional sports team
s; breakfast cereal
s; action figure
; charm bracelet
s; alcoholic beverage
s; exercise equipment
; Christmas ornaments
; pork products
; greeting card
; commemorative plate
s; collectible trading card game
s; automotive decal
s and accessories
; Halloween costume
s; web browser
s; diamond jewelry
; amusement park ride
s; and inflatable love sheep
Hey, I thought y'all were just into replacement pet
s and hamster
s and stuff, right?
Yes, replacement pets
, and stuff
are also covered in the application.
Do you have any additional question
s? Or shall we start examining your highly dubious
use of our
(Team Jet-Poop runs away)