While
the perfect pizza is something that is of great debate between
various
factions (the simplistic pepperoni lovers vs the
supreme 'the works'
faction) there is a simple rule that both sides will agree upon when
ordering pizza. This rule is know as the 'F' rule.
Quite simply, the 'F' rule states:
Nothing that begins with the letter 'F' may appear on a pizza.
Classically, this encompasses the area of:
However, it is often
amended to include
- Fish
- While some people enjoy having filets of disgustingly salty fish
scattered about a pizza, it is by far frowned upon by the vast majority of the pizza going factions. Anchovies shall never appear on a pizza.
Furthermore, while not technically a fish there are reports that such things as shrimp and squid appearing on pizza in various back alleys of California food places. This is an outrage! No. No. No. Do not put anything that comes from the sea on a pizza. Don't you dare even think about putting seaweed on it either.
- Fruit
- By far the most notorious offender is that of the pineapple. This
sweet fruit dripping in sugary juices is an abomination for the pizza
going populace. Such wanton displays of fructose on a pizza ruin its
appeal.
While there are some defectors in the pepperoni faction that will occasionally toss this on a pizza (heathens!) the supreme faction is aghast at the slightest mention of the addition of pineapple to any pizza of such complexity that has been perfected. Such an addition throws off the entire flavor balance of the pizza.
The standing of the olive is currently in dispute.
- Fungus
- Mushrooms - such rancid additions to the pizza are more closely
related to toe jam than to wholesome items such as pepperoni, ham and
sausage. Furthermore, the addition of mushrooms makes the cold morning pizza a question of memory - "was that mushroom there the night before?". Mushrooms of the magical kind are forbidden.
It should be noted that some members of the supreme faction question this rule however are willing to abide by it if it means getting the pizza sooner.
- Feta
- While some try to classify this as a fungus - it isn't quite fair to the other cheeses such as mozzarella (the only cheese that belongs on a pizza). However, goat cheese is far removed from the occasional cheddar that may find its way on to a BBQ pizza. Goat cheese is just wrong. If such a food was right... how come we don't see 'goat milk' in the school cafeteria or to add as creamer to the coffee at Starbucks?
Do not be deceived by the followers of the goat cheese rule into
thinking that such an item belongs on the pizza.
This writeup has been brought to you by the letter 'F' and the
"Keep our pizza pure" coalition. While the author of this writeup goes by this rule in public there are accusations that he is a member of the pepperoni pineapple defectors. These rumors are unfounded and baseless... unless you have photographs of him eating pizza at Pizza A' Chicago or Kapp's Pizza. Until such time as it can be proven it is only fair to assume that he is a purist.