Almost any discussion about Seinfeld
inevitably leads to a discussion of the contest. During one such discussion, myself and the equally oversexed Kimonade
made our own version of this bet
. After all, it couldn't be that hard, could it? Whoever went the longest without masturbating
would be treated to dinner at a local pizzaria
So a week and a half passed by. And I'm tripping at the lake. The bet is so far, so good, I'm still Queen of the Castle, but if this goes on any longer, my sanity is going to be seriously up for grabs. Why? Not only am I incredibly horny, but I'm starting to have very vivid sex dreams. Yeah, yeah, what's the big deal, you ask? My sex dreams are disturbing as hell. For example, in one, I was having sex with Michael Jordan, and as the act of fornication went on, I got smaller and smaller. In another I was having sex with my best guy friend, and he ejaculated prematurely. I laughed at him.
So we must stop the insanity. Like I said, I was tripping at the lake. Kimonade was there, as was the previously mentioned guy friend who lacked staying power. We agreed to a compromise...we'd both lose the bet, and treat each other to dinner. And we wouldn't tell our friends.
For months, this charade went on. "Are you still Master of your Domain?" "Hell yes!" I think they all believed us. Months later, one of Kimonade's high school friends spilled the beans to the rest of our happy little group, and we had to fess up. It was good while it lasted.
The moral of the story is that you should never give up masturbation. It is one thing that is pure and holy. The animals do it, it's just natural. Messing with mother nature is never pretty. And the suppression of masturbation is messing with mother nature. What can be better than a self-inflicted orgasm? I'm probably the best lover I'll ever have!